Stranger Danger!

OK, so I'm one week in with this whole online dating thing, currently I have 79 potential "matches" based on the site's long ass personality matching quiz,  44 men who are "interested in you," 56 "winks," and 63 e-mails. While I have communicated with a couple, and by that I mean exactly two, seemingly normal gentlemen, most of them fall into the "not fit to date" category. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads, - they all adore me. They think I'm a righteous dude.

Many who have emailed me are just smarmy, I feel like I need a shower after reading some of the things that they have written me in their e-mail introductions. In the real world if someone talked to me this way, communication at that point would have come to an end, but instead I decided to send the same identical five questions to every man who emailed me, just to see how they would respond.

1. Where are you from?
2. How long have you been online dating?
3. How have your experiences been online
4. What kind of music do you like?
5. Have you ever axe murdered anyone?

This is what I've gotten so far, in their own words, grammar/punctuation mistakes and all. 

Tag01:   8:04 am: No, no, no, Kara mia.. This is not a quiz!!

              8:16 am: I like YOu.. :) That's something..

              8:21 am: Kara mia, where are You?

-If you can't at least play along & answer a few questions, then move along. 

Frank: Originally from Upstate NY but moved to Lynchburg area my junior year in high school.  Now I live in Roanoke for about 4 years now.
-I really haven't. Just started. Haven't dated anyone yet from online. 
-Haven't had any experience yet. Maybe you will be my first? 
-Mostly listen to 80's, 90's and todays hit music. 
-No. I am not sure where my axe is currently. I promise not to bring it around you. LOL.  I am not a violent person or dangerous person. I have too much to lose by doing anything like that. I have two daughters. 19 and 11. Tell me about your kids.

Can you answer the same questions and can I get your email or number to text so I can contact you after the free weekend? 

-Listening to "today's hit music" is just as bad as axe murdering someone in my book. I can't tell you anything about my kids, because you might have noticed on my profile that I don't have any. And no you can't get my e-mail or number, I don't care if you won't be able to contact me after the "free weekend," Cheapy McCheaperson!

Michael: Thank you so much for your response and i am so happy to read from you i must confess that! Please feel free to send to me your private email or email me on xxxxx@yahoo.com for easy and better communication between us and moreso i can share to you more about me. I am not comfortable here so i am getting off anytime soon. 

-Another who simply refused to answer any of the questions, but willingly shared his e-mail address with me and had no problem asking for mine. Oh, you're not comfortable with a dating site that you willingly signed up for? Well, I'm not comfortable sharing my private information with you. 

Raf: You make me laugh with all the questions but I will answer all of them. 
-I am originally from Puerto Rico and I been in Virginia close to Washington dc since 92. 
-I been awhile in online dating 
-I had good bad ugly experience. 
-I like all type of music except country mostly hard rock altetnative and my latin music. 
-No I have never or will never kill anyone. 

Just text me at 703-xxx-xxxx so we can make plans to meet soon 

-Thanks for playing, but the answer is still no. Your lack of punctuation almost made my head explode. It may seem trivial, but I can't, I just can't.

NEXT.....

Slow Ride...Take it Easy

The following is an email exchange that transpired between me & "Mr. X," a guy who, on his dating profile came across as both normal & attractive. I have not changed anything that he wrote to me, including the grammar & punctuation, so when you cringe reading it, that's all on him. It actually makes me feel a little anxious to leave it as is, but I want you to view it in all it's flawed glory. I blocked out his real name & phone number, that by the way, he gave up to me almost immediately without me asking or wanting it. 


Hi I'm Mr. X and I pretty much want a girl JUST LIKE YOU. You are rare, unique in an awesome way..interesting and quite beautiful. You would be such a fun girlfriend to have. I dont give a rats ass that you live 45 minutes away...I like driving

-Hi Mr. X, I see from your profile pictures that you are a huge Redskins fan, with all those posters tacked up on the wall behind your selfies & stuff, how do you feel about the fact that I am a Cowboys fan?

Omg I love this. It would be fun having a cowboy fan girl.. I'm not a jerk it's just football :)) So when are we meeting .. And we ARE meeting. Just saying:)) 

-Whoa, slow it down a little, we just online met.

Hey I sent you an email . Them it said you sent one back but I don't see it?? 

-Just so you know, I have a really weird schedule & literally don't have any time available in the next few days. I'm working the rest of this week (overnights) & am going to a concert with friends Saturday night, next week is not really good for me either, lots of stuff going on. 

That's fine I can be patient ... I think lol. Wait so can we meet Saturday during the day ?? If not it's ok I'll wait till Xmas haha.. Ummm that was a joke.. But keep in touch.. 703-xxx-xxxx yes it's rare I give that golden number out but hey... You're cool and I love KARA.. Bad ass name 

*two minutes later...

Ok I changed my mind I'm mad at you lol. Haha JKidding., I will suffer and wait for you cause girls like you are do rare but if I don't get a text from you there will Be hell to pay ;)))

-Wow, why would you give me your phone number, what if I was an axe murderer?

Well life is about taking chances and I'm a pretty good judge of character. I think you are sweet with an edge to you which I really like. It would be a really cool thing to see a text from you today... 

-I'm not really comfortable giving you my number at this time, so please don't expect any texts from me today.

OK have to mention one more thing...since I dissected your profile... I will say the most important things you should know about me as it pertains to your profile is I am king of sarcasm (hmm that should be fun) and I can be silly and goofy and often laugh at myself as there is lots of material for that LOL. I am spiritual not religious also. OK Daredevil that's it for now...SEND ME A TEXT:) if you want to of course.

-I told you, no texting. I don't know you at all, not at all cool with the idea of sharing my number with you. What if you're an axe murderer? What if you're one of those Ted Bundy types? How do you feel about NASCAR & how about you give me a little more background about you. 

Hmmm well I like most sports but Nascar is not at the top. I have watched plenty of races I know some drivers but normally watch the major ones only. I do enjoy watching it..that's the truth and Im sticking to it. You do realize you said answer some questions and you only really asked one..the Nascar one silly. OK Background...I guess that was another question haha...I am divorced 5 years now, have 3 kids 8 11 13 boy girl boy and they mean everything to me. They live with Ex mostly but I bust my ass and see them quite often, every other weekend and lots during week since I have no love life (insert you here). I am a very dedicated Dad. Hard to be a killer and be a great Dad...just saying. I am kind, laid back but active too. I am positive thinker and love adventure,, also like holding hands and kissing.. 

-I did send you some questions, here they are again...
Where are you from? 
How long have you been online dating? 
How have your experiences been online. I want both good & horror stories here! 
What kind of music do you like? 
Have you ever murdered anyone?

OMG I'm a moron...didnt see that. OK here we go...I am from Vienna Va, lived in VA all my life. Did live in England, Iran Philippines for couple years each when I was very young, been here in VA since 1976. Been online dating for one year. A few good a few bad. Never had a real relationship at all in fact longest was 3 dates. Some kissing thats it. The worst was girls showing up looking NOTHING like their pics, so so terribly uncomfortable. But no horror stories except some were scary looking. I will go into more details when we see each other, and we will. Music?,,, lots of variety, don't like rap in general except the song "Puke" by m&M haha. Love Bruce Springsteen, Stones, not into heavy metal either but do like some. Like Bon Jovi type of rock, I do like Katie Perry, Thats right I said it and not ashamed. I like top 40 crap so sue me. Uhhh no never murdered anyone, I have a hard time killing spiders and I hate them. But they have a right to live...unless they are in my property, then they are trespassing and I squash them. So give me the dirt on you:)) 

-No response from me, because I was kinda ooged out.

Lets see what else. Oh I also read somewhat spiritual "be a better person" books. I don't recall Ted reading any of those...I could be wrong, but...I'm right. I also would rather be happy than be right so I will let you think you are right when we disagree or when we have our first cute argument as boyfriend-girlfriend , knowing in my mind I will always be right. Thats the kind of guy I am..and that you will be dating...lucky you 

-No response from me because, I was really ooged out. 

Are you breaking up with me? Geez o flip 

-Sorry, I am really busy at work tonight, really don't have time to chat. (Pssst...hey readers, I'm NOT at work tonight).

So I figure after our 6 month dating anniversary as d couple, I'm gonna take you to Cancun. What do you think ? 

-No response from me, because I was super ooged out!

So why can't you text me.. 703-xxx-xxxx . Yes I realize I gave this to you already but you OBVIOUSLY lost it or for some reason you think I can steal your identity? Or something .. Any ways WILL YOU PLEASE SEND ME A TEXT . I'm not Ted and I HJONK you know I am safe .. 

-No texting. Really, I'm not going to text you, so please stop asking. And WTF does "I HJONK" mean?

LMAO.. OMG I swear I knew you would grill me for that. I looked at my moronic typo and thought "that smart ass is going to have a field day with this"... HJONK is Korean for think... You didn't know that? Good morning Kara!! Hope you saved some lives today. Hey can I hear your voice? Like a quick phone chat ? That thought just popped up in my head., 

-I'm not ready to give out my number to you or anyone. Seriously, we don't even know anything about each other, I am an extremely cautious person, you seem very nice, but this is just how I roll. Call me old-fashioned or whatever, that's just me. 

*one minute later...

Hey My eyes are hazel too hmmmm  

*three minutes later...

Alrighty then. I can respect that. You look really mean in one of your pics by the way and it happens to be my favorite 

Hey, Mr. X, there is a very fine line between flattering a woman & freaking her the fuck out! I am truly an old-fashioned girl with a lot of street smarts. Take the time to get to know someone a little before throwing your number out there & for fuck's sake, NEVER refer to a woman as your future "girlfriend" or fantasize about the prospect of the "cute little boyfriend-girlfriend arguments" we're gonna have or book anniversary trips to Mexico before you've ever even met her. Are you insane?  

My experience with online dating in 2014 is already looking mighty bleak fellas. You gotta step up your game.

I'm Back in the Saddle Again

They say good things come to those who wait. I am a girl with the patience of a saint, if there is some goodness at the end of the waiting tunnel, the wait is irrelevant. I'll wait all day. I'll wait weeks. Hell, I'll even wait months. If I am gonna find my happy, then, as they say, it was worth the wait.

But what if some extenuating monkey wrench gets thrown into your blissful waiting game & totally fucks everything to bits. There are no more cards on the table, waiting is no longer a viable option. Didn't think about that, did you they?!"

"Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?"

I'll tell you what you do, pull back those reins, sit up tall in that saddle & get back in the rodeo, or in this case, join an online dating website. I don't care if you swore that you'd never do it again. Never say never. Maybe this time there will be a whole new fresh faced crop of interesting men that actually fit into the long ass personality profile that you submitted. For real, this time is gonna be great...just great!


A few basic rules before we begin:

1. I can overlook a typo or two in your profile, but if I sense that you have no solid grasp of your grammatical responsibilities, then you're getting deleted.

2. If you refer to yourself in the third person, i.e. "George loves the spicy chicken," you're out.

3. Profile pictures of you standing in front of your bathroom mirror with your shirt off are unacceptable. Seriously, I don't care how great your written profile is, as soon as I see that, you're gone!

4. There will never be a time that I want to "go to the gun show" with you, so leave your stupid poses out of your profile pictures as well, and again, put on a shirt.

5. If there is any sexual innuendo in any message you send me, game over. I'm a good girl & you are an asshole.

6. If at any point you mention your fondness of Nickelback in any of our getting to know you conversations, you're finished.

7. If you don't fit into my dating age ranges listed on my profile, I ain't interested. I don't want to date a child, nor my dad. Don't even try to change my mind by saying, "But I'm a young 72 year old." No, just no.

8. Don't send me messages saying that your profile is not currently active & I should just call you if I want to get to know you. Pony up your $39.99, ya cheapskate or post an add on Craigslist.

9. Don't ask me for my phone number and/or email address right off the bat, I'm not giving them to you.

10. If you try to friend me on Facebook before we even go out on a date, then you're a creepy stalker & I will ask you to leave me alone forever.

11. Overusing "lol" will not be tolerated, nip that shit in the bud. Just nip it!

12. I will also google the hell out of you & probably do a background check before we ever meet. A girl can't be too cautious.



Giddy up!

And May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

One in 1000.

That is roughly the odds I am guessing that it takes to find a good mate on one of those online dating site, at least according to my horse in the race. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have deleted close to 1000 emails or "interest" messages from potential suitors over the last six months.

Only one made through all of my sticky, tangled up mess of red tape. One.

And even if you do manage to let your guard down and accidentally stumble across that so-called,"one," there is still no guarantee that it will work out, there could still be something missing and almost all the time there is.


"I want you,
I need you,
but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you,
but don't feel sad, 
'cause two out of three ain't bad."

Sing it Meat Loaf, ya bastard ya.

Two out of three doesn't cut it with me.
I want it all.
I deserve it all.
I crave the fairy tale and all the romance that comes along with it.
I won't stop until I find it, but my knight in shining armor is not on Plenty of Fish. Ironically, I hate fish.

There are however plenty of misogynists, sociopaths, psychopaths, sexual predators, personality disorders, straight up assholes and a level of testosterone driven, self-admiration that I am not comfortable with at all. I wanna date you, not bring you tropical drinks and fan you with a palm frond, while you sit beside the pool and look at yourself in a mirror! Men, let's tone it down a little, you're disgusting. For reals, yo.

I'm more than just a pretty face, but no one would know that because they don't take the time to read what I have to say. Sure, pretty gets you in the door a lot of the time, but that isn't what keeps you around. Make a freaking effort and dig a little deeper guys, pretend to at least be interested in my interests. Don't get me wrong, on a purely superficial level, you made me feel like a golden goddess with all of your emails, winks, interests, favorites, and "want to meet yous," but every last one of them was an alliance that ended before it began. You built me up buttercups, just to let me down and mess me around.

Here's the thing, I'm someone who was born without a biological clock. I don't have that desperate need to get married or have kids. I'm ok on my own. I'm good on my own, really. I don't need to be in a relationship to feel complete and I'd sure as hell rather be alone and happy for all of the right reasons than to be with someone for all the wrong ones.

Hey PoF, it's not me, it's you. You're an over-crowded, seedy, meat market that I heedlessly entered thinking it might have some exclusive VIP section in the back where are the decent men hung out. I was wrong. At least you were free, I would have punched myself in the face if I had paid extra for the "upgrade."

As for the blog, after just two short weeks, I'm already in a holding pattern, I need a time out! Man bashing isn't bringing out the very best in me, it's not healthy and it's not nice. I'm destroying a piece of my own psyche with every below the belt hit I make. I mean, what suddenly makes me a freaking dating expert? I'm in the same situation as all of these other "losers" that I'm making fun of! We're all floating around in the same boat, it's only a matter of time before some yells out "Mutiny!" and throws me overboard.

This isn't really me, not really my thing. It's the person that I wish I had the balls to be, the person that doesn't give a shit about what others think or feel. And the karma, and golden rule and all those other things that suggest that you "do the right thing," those win every single time, hands down. I'm trading in my devil horns for that tarnished halo that I misplaced somewhere along the way.

That being said, don't you worry, I'm never going to stop being cool. Sure, I can take a moment and smooth out some of the rough edges a bit, but being cool and doing my thang, well, that's forever. It's in the blood.

Everyone is deserving of someone and all the happiness that comes with it. If you find someone out in the world whose quirkiness you can put up with and who is willing to tolerate your own level of kookiness, then grand. Grab hold with both hands and never let go! And, if you get a second chance, take it like you stole it!

Hi, I'm Kara, I'd like to introduce you to my new kinder love.

I Ain't That Lonely Yet

"Good morning to you Beauty:

First things first. I am in an open marriage, which means there is complete honesty and trust between my spouse and I while we separately pursue other relationships. We have been faithfully together for many years according to our original traditional marital agreement.

I recognize that this status of ours seems like an uncommon arrangement, but it beats the hell out of the deception and betrayal that so many people must experience when one or both parties act upon the desire of wanting more out of life while trying to maintain what they already have.

I still understand this, because we are exercising discretion with respect to our children and extended family. I know that it takes a brave one to broach the subject and two willing people to agree to it and make it work. If you are not in this situation and would like to know more, let me know. Enough of the serious stuff, read on!

I am not completely sure how to describe myself -- a face-to-face conversation is so much more meaningful for initially getting to know someone. To begin with, I am looking for mutual attraction and chemistry with an independent female, or an attached female with a little bit of free time. I am busy like most people with a job and family, but I can find some free time for the right person! I hope I can find someone with similar views, although that is not required since a few differences would give us a lot to talk about :)

I am not looking for a cyber relationship, either. I hope to find someone to just have a great time with. If we want to keep having a great time, even better! I assume you get LOTS of messages, so let me know if you would like to know more about me and meet for a drink ;)"

-Hope to hear back from you,

 xxxxxx

- Hmmm....eloquent and honest enough I suppose, but I'm gonna decline. It's not you (and your wife), it's me, I just ain't that lonely yet. But, for reals, I'm not going to judge what works for you (and your wife), go ahead with yo kinky selves, spice that marriage up! It's just not really my thing, I just don't want no part of yo tight-ass country club, ya freak bitch!

No Fear. No Prejudice. Just Love.

So today, just one day away from the Supreme Court's ruling on Prop. 8 and DOMA, it seemed kind of trite for me to complain about looking for love in all the wrong places, when there are good people out there that can't express love the way that it was meant to be; all wide open and grand, without any judgement whatsoever.

You know, the real super delicious kind that everyone is deserving of at least once in their lives.

If you are lucky enough in this world to find "your lobster," damn the torpedoes, you hang on with all you've got and never let go! Who am I or anyone else for that matter to stop you from doing your thing?

Do it loud and proud, with all the beauty and support in the world behind you.

No fear. No prejudice. Just love.

That's the good stuff right there. The sugary sweet icing, like a big ol' pile of love atop one magnificently, indulgent chocolate cake.

It should really should be that simple.

So...

"Kiss Slowly,
Play Hard,
Forgive Quickly,
Take Chances,
Give Everything
And
Have No Regrets."

I am a straight ally and I support marriage equality.

I'm a Loner, Dottie. A Rebel.

So, I'm learning that not every day is a total shit show when it come to online dating communication; here are two perfectly lovely sentiments from two different men that were in my mailbox this morning. Yeah, you're saying all the right things, but you see, I'm at a point right now where I just don't believe you. It's a classic case of  "It's not you, it's me." 

George Clooney himself could solicit me right now and I probably wouldn't even bat an eye. 

Why? Because, not only is it kind of exhausting to be "all awesome, all of the time," but...

"There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand. You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

Subject: A note from William

"Ok, you had me at "I'm all awesome, all of the time"...lol Yet I still continued to read. I like your straight forward approach and that you realize that communication is key to any relationship, and in an intimate relationship it is a must! We have several common interest. I'm a bit goofy at times, especially when I'm alone with "that" person. There's a time and place for it though and my filters work pretty well. I'm devoted to my children but I know how to have balance between them and a relationship. Being a Southern Belle, I suspect that you can appreciate a chivalrous man? I'm a door opener, chair puller and a ladies first first type of man. I will even hold your purse in public if needed. :)

Well, I guess that's enough. looking forward to hearing from you."

- William


Subject: A note from John

"The weather is finally nice. I am seeking a companion for beach trips, hiking, motorcycle rides, outdoor concerts, boating, travel, amusement parks and much more. And I will join at a NASCAR race any time! If interested let me hear from you."

- John

Run along little lambs and find someone deserving of what you're putting out into the world. Don't wait for me because I'm always late to the game. Again, this is nothing that reflects on you as individuals, this burden is all mine baby!

You were in the right place, but it must have been the wrong time. Sorry for your loss fellas.