And May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

One in 1000.

That is roughly the odds I am guessing that it takes to find a good mate on one of those online dating site, at least according to my horse in the race. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have deleted close to 1000 emails or "interest" messages from potential suitors over the last six months.

Only one made through all of my sticky, tangled up mess of red tape. One.

And even if you do manage to let your guard down and accidentally stumble across that so-called,"one," there is still no guarantee that it will work out, there could still be something missing and almost all the time there is.


"I want you,
I need you,
but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you,
but don't feel sad, 
'cause two out of three ain't bad."

Sing it Meat Loaf, ya bastard ya.

Two out of three doesn't cut it with me.
I want it all.
I deserve it all.
I crave the fairy tale and all the romance that comes along with it.
I won't stop until I find it, but my knight in shining armor is not on Plenty of Fish. Ironically, I hate fish.

There are however plenty of misogynists, sociopaths, psychopaths, sexual predators, personality disorders, straight up assholes and a level of testosterone driven, self-admiration that I am not comfortable with at all. I wanna date you, not bring you tropical drinks and fan you with a palm frond, while you sit beside the pool and look at yourself in a mirror! Men, let's tone it down a little, you're disgusting. For reals, yo.

I'm more than just a pretty face, but no one would know that because they don't take the time to read what I have to say. Sure, pretty gets you in the door a lot of the time, but that isn't what keeps you around. Make a freaking effort and dig a little deeper guys, pretend to at least be interested in my interests. Don't get me wrong, on a purely superficial level, you made me feel like a golden goddess with all of your emails, winks, interests, favorites, and "want to meet yous," but every last one of them was an alliance that ended before it began. You built me up buttercups, just to let me down and mess me around.

Here's the thing, I'm someone who was born without a biological clock. I don't have that desperate need to get married or have kids. I'm ok on my own. I'm good on my own, really. I don't need to be in a relationship to feel complete and I'd sure as hell rather be alone and happy for all of the right reasons than to be with someone for all the wrong ones.

Hey PoF, it's not me, it's you. You're an over-crowded, seedy, meat market that I heedlessly entered thinking it might have some exclusive VIP section in the back where are the decent men hung out. I was wrong. At least you were free, I would have punched myself in the face if I had paid extra for the "upgrade."

As for the blog, after just two short weeks, I'm already in a holding pattern, I need a time out! Man bashing isn't bringing out the very best in me, it's not healthy and it's not nice. I'm destroying a piece of my own psyche with every below the belt hit I make. I mean, what suddenly makes me a freaking dating expert? I'm in the same situation as all of these other "losers" that I'm making fun of! We're all floating around in the same boat, it's only a matter of time before some yells out "Mutiny!" and throws me overboard.

This isn't really me, not really my thing. It's the person that I wish I had the balls to be, the person that doesn't give a shit about what others think or feel. And the karma, and golden rule and all those other things that suggest that you "do the right thing," those win every single time, hands down. I'm trading in my devil horns for that tarnished halo that I misplaced somewhere along the way.

That being said, don't you worry, I'm never going to stop being cool. Sure, I can take a moment and smooth out some of the rough edges a bit, but being cool and doing my thang, well, that's forever. It's in the blood.

Everyone is deserving of someone and all the happiness that comes with it. If you find someone out in the world whose quirkiness you can put up with and who is willing to tolerate your own level of kookiness, then grand. Grab hold with both hands and never let go! And, if you get a second chance, take it like you stole it!

Hi, I'm Kara, I'd like to introduce you to my new kinder love.

No Fear. No Prejudice. Just Love.

So today, just one day away from the Supreme Court's ruling on Prop. 8 and DOMA, it seemed kind of trite for me to complain about looking for love in all the wrong places, when there are good people out there that can't express love the way that it was meant to be; all wide open and grand, without any judgement whatsoever.

You know, the real super delicious kind that everyone is deserving of at least once in their lives.

If you are lucky enough in this world to find "your lobster," damn the torpedoes, you hang on with all you've got and never let go! Who am I or anyone else for that matter to stop you from doing your thing?

Do it loud and proud, with all the beauty and support in the world behind you.

No fear. No prejudice. Just love.

That's the good stuff right there. The sugary sweet icing, like a big ol' pile of love atop one magnificently, indulgent chocolate cake.

It should really should be that simple.

So...

"Kiss Slowly,
Play Hard,
Forgive Quickly,
Take Chances,
Give Everything
And
Have No Regrets."

I am a straight ally and I support marriage equality.

I'm a Loner, Dottie. A Rebel.

So, I'm learning that not every day is a total shit show when it come to online dating communication; here are two perfectly lovely sentiments from two different men that were in my mailbox this morning. Yeah, you're saying all the right things, but you see, I'm at a point right now where I just don't believe you. It's a classic case of  "It's not you, it's me." 

George Clooney himself could solicit me right now and I probably wouldn't even bat an eye. 

Why? Because, not only is it kind of exhausting to be "all awesome, all of the time," but...

"There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand. You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

Subject: A note from William

"Ok, you had me at "I'm all awesome, all of the time"...lol Yet I still continued to read. I like your straight forward approach and that you realize that communication is key to any relationship, and in an intimate relationship it is a must! We have several common interest. I'm a bit goofy at times, especially when I'm alone with "that" person. There's a time and place for it though and my filters work pretty well. I'm devoted to my children but I know how to have balance between them and a relationship. Being a Southern Belle, I suspect that you can appreciate a chivalrous man? I'm a door opener, chair puller and a ladies first first type of man. I will even hold your purse in public if needed. :)

Well, I guess that's enough. looking forward to hearing from you."

- William


Subject: A note from John

"The weather is finally nice. I am seeking a companion for beach trips, hiking, motorcycle rides, outdoor concerts, boating, travel, amusement parks and much more. And I will join at a NASCAR race any time! If interested let me hear from you."

- John

Run along little lambs and find someone deserving of what you're putting out into the world. Don't wait for me because I'm always late to the game. Again, this is nothing that reflects on you as individuals, this burden is all mine baby!

You were in the right place, but it must have been the wrong time. Sorry for your loss fellas.

Let the 2013 Online Dating Games Being. Men, May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

*As always nothing has been changed in these introductions, they are copied & pasted exactly as I received them. Actual names have been XXXX out. 

-Now, let's pick this hot mess apart! 

Subject: A note from Mr.loverman

- First off, TERRIBLE nickname you've chosen. Seriously, unless you're Shabba Ranks, this is already a "don't!"

Wow , You have such a beautiful profile. Have you found your lover? If you are still searching, I am interested in getting to know more about youwh .what motivates you? What makes your heart leap with passion? Love? Joy? I find your intelligence and beauty very exciting.Your profile drew me in and captivated me. Mine seems so barren compared to yours. I'm looking for a man who wants to take the time to get to know me

- I actually shudder at the word "lover." In my head I always read it in some weird foreign accent like "Luuuvvaaaa." Secondly, you have just referred to me as "looking for a MAN who wants to take the time to get to know me," Hey, I am cool with the fact that I kinda have an androgynous look about me, but get it straight. Third, What the fuck kind of opening line is this? You wrote this with with one hand didn't you, while unzipping your pants with the other one. Eww. Oh and your punctuation is shit!

I am ready willing and able to venture forth on a journey that will leave the past behind while preserving the best memories and forgiving the ones that were hurtful and usually unintentional. I live life one day, one hour, one moment at a time. I want and need the healing power of love physically emotionally and spiritually. I live as if time were on fire and I believe that every day of the right relationship should be treated like the first day of our honeymoon. I want to share what I have with one special man who will appreciate that I have a deep capacity to love that needs to be filled and fulfilled. We can't keep it unless we give it away.

- There is not, nor ever be when I want to live as if time were on "fire," what fun is that? Always dodging the backdraft, throwing those little roll-up ladders out windows, not to mention having to "stop, drop and roll" every five minutes or so as not to be burned alive! The first day of one's honeymoon is generally spent traveling to some exotic destination, lame. Oh and stop referring to me as a "man!"

I am writing these thoughts as the flow into my head and my sense is that they are coming directly from my heart. I'm feeling very peaceful now and this seems like the appropriate place to stop. I currently serve in the army but I'll be retiring in the next 2 months .

-Ummm, yeah. I'm thinking that the reason that you are "feeling very peaceful now and this seems like the appropriate place to stop," is because you've just shot off a load onto my online pictures, after typing with your less dominate hand (which would explain the typos and random sentence about retiring from the Army soon) and are about to roll over an fall asleep.

If for some reason we happen not to be right for each other, I wish you the best in your search. I wish you continued passion and an exciting lover to keep your fires burning. I appreciate and admire your intensity.

Hope to hear from you soon.

XXXX

- "If for some reason we happen not to be right for each other." Fella, there are more than one, but I ain't got all day for explanations luuuuvvvaa! You should probably squelch your own burning fires by taking yourself to the local free clinic for a chlamydia check!

Don't hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely, 
Kara.

Step Right Up You're the Next Contestant in This Sweet Charade...

Writing, for as long as I can remember, has always been something very cathartic for me, it calms me, lets me put things into perspective, pick apart things and move ahead. That being said, why the hell haven't I done it in over a year?

This blog in particular is touchy, it reached an oogy point for me last year where I thought that perhaps I was sending out nothing but bad karma into the world and in return, nothing good would come my way.

I mean, I'd like to think that I'm a good person, who deserves good things, but you get what you give, right? If I am writing a blog with the sole reason of "making fun" of the online dating world, do I really deserve to be happy for not giving it a fair shot? Will I die a creepy old spinster cat lady?

Who freaking knows, but today I'm going to write, damn the consequences, because I need some purgative, humorous bullshit to get me through. You see, I got the shaft today from someone that I was beginning to like very much. He was kinda, sorta just like me with facial hair and cute checkered boy shirts.

I knew all of the rules up front. He wasn't ready for a commitment, the ball was left in my court and I chose to play through. I'm a big girl, I knew what I was getting into. I accepted knowing that if I could deal with the "What's the worst thing that could happen" scenario, that I'd go all in.

You see, I take my advice from movie characters and just like Danny Ocean said, "You're either in or your out, right now."

Bam, I'm in!

I'm not sure that it was truly a break up per se, since we were just "dating" after all, but it was indeed a let down. Perhaps actually one of the saddest, yet inimitable that I have encountered in my life's work of dating. He didn't do anything wrong, He didn't hurt me intentionally. He was gentle and kind, took the time to give it some closure without leading me on further. I guess this is growing up, but it never gets any easier to take.

He said I "was the coolest girl he'd ever met." Followed of course by a big "but..."

There wasn't the "spark" that he needed to take it to the next level, the was "something missing" in his feelings towards me. A classic case of "it's not you, it's me, blah, blah, blah..."

It still felt like taking a bullet, even though I saw it coming five days ago. I felt him pulling back, kind of putting me in my place through his responses. I saw that our hours of texting and emailing were dwindling. Suddenly he was "too exhausted from a long day" and couldn't chat until 1:00 am like we did for nights on end or "rushing to get to a meeting" in the morning, when once again, we would chat after I got off my night shift. Yeah, I saw this shit coming, the fucking writing on the wall, perhaps even before he did. I think it's called "a women's intuition." That shit is for real, like a god dammed sixth sense. We woman are like soothsayers when it comes to that kind of clairvoyance.

I was making a mixed CD in the middle of the night, long before the dreaded "break up" took place and now to go back and listen to it after the fact is downright spooky. I subconsciously chose songs that foreshadowed the events of what was to come during the disassembling of what we had tried to build over the last four weeks. It's weird, it is like I chose the music in advance that would be playing in the background during our final curtain call.

Seriously, what the fuck though? How can I be the "coolest girl" that someone has ever met, but still not cool enough, or sexy enough, or smart enough, or just whatever. My thoughts on what we had going on versus his own feelings towards "us" got all kinds of mad lost in translation and I was the one left with the broken heart.

Sigh. What can you do? I can only be me myself and if the other person isn't down with that or just not attracted to me on some physical, emotional level, then what is the point of trying to force it to work?

Granted, I still feel burned that he only gave me a such a small amount of time to make such a judgement on where this was or wasn't headed, there is so much more beyond the surface, that quite frankly is his loss for not getting to know. I suspect that he met someone else in the dating world that better suited his needs. Maybe I can't really blame him. I mean, who can stand being around a loud mouth, always on the go, sarcastic prick like me? That's quite a handful to put up with, even for the strongest of men.

I'm not going to bad mouth him at all though, I have much respect for him and he is one of the coolest people that I have ever met. I am hoping that we can build a friendship out of the foundation that began to get us here in the first place. He is one of the easiest people to talk and laugh with.

Who knows, maybe I put too much out there too soon, I might never know. Maybe he recognized all of my quirky little flaws and decided they weren't worth it to him to deal with.
The truth is I don't really know, I am just going to have to accept it for what it is and move on. Everyone deserves their own happiness and if I am the one who is not making him happy, then he have every right to go find someone who can.

He is a genuinely great guy and yeah, I admit it, I thought this was going to be all super delicious and stuff.  After all I am a girl, we hope and dream, and plan, it's what we do! It was astonishing to me how we had SO much in common and could talk/text/email for hours about anything and everything. I hope for the best, but had been bracing myself for the very moment he asked if we could talk this morning.

We were unable to talk face to face, because we live about 90 minutes from one another, but we did talk "face time to face time," oh technology, I guess that's the way of getting it done in this day and age, beats getting a text I suppose. My eyes welled up with tears before I could even pick up the phone. I really hate the girlie girl squishy center of my hard candy exterior.

I wish him nothing but the best and do hope that we can eventually reach a level where we can be BFFs! Even though at the moment I've got noting left in side of my chest, I'm going to be alright eventually.  He is truly one of the good ones. That is what makes it almost worse. If he had been a true prick, today would have been a brighter day for sure. Yeah, I'd be angry at the bad behavior, but at least I'd have a reason to hate him and want him out of my life, but there was no concrete information given, so I'm still a little in the weeds I guess. A little sad, a tad bit annoyed, a smidgen of fury, and a whole lot of disappointment.

I honestly thought that this was gonna be great, our personalities seemed to mesh so incredibly well and complement each other's, we literally could openly talk about anything thrown out on the table. Hell, I'm just waxing poetic now about the "what ifs," because I'm a girl, and again it's what we do, it's in the blood.

Maybe I rushed to emotion too soon. Maybe my sarcasm was too much. Maybe I laid too low and didn't say what I needed to say, when I needed to say it. Maybe it was my aversion, versus his love of all seafood was the worst turnoff ever.  I dunno.

So much for the afterglow...

Now prepare yourselves, instant karma's gonna get me, because the next installment of this blog entry is going to be just as ridiculously out of control as it was last year around this time. I've got some real doozies just sitting in online dating site inboxes to share!

Let the next chapter begin, I'm back in the saddle!

Hey Baby, Hey Baby, Hey!

*As always nothing has been changed in these introductions, they are copied & pasted exactly as I received them. 

"Hey baby, I'm XXXXXX and I see we are a match. Glad we actually are. Anyway since we both found ourselves on here and evidently we happen to match each other. Why waste time then? If you don't mind Can I get to know you more? I will be expecting to read from you,if that's a YES. I will sure be looking forward to reading from you soon. I care."

-For the record, "Hey baby" doesn't really work for me as an introduction. It is nice to you that "you care," but truthfully I don't, so this is goodbye.

"good heart man looking for a good hearted womam, got to have honesty and faithfulness, liars and pillheads i do not reply to me, my boys are my live, they are 5, 6yrs old. looking for the lady who dont care to get there hands dirty or there feet wet, i try to led a simple and fun life"

-While I'm not a "pillhead" nor a "liar," I don't think that I could ever be "womam" enough for you. As for the rest of this introduction, I'm going to require that you take an English 101 class before we procedd any further. I'm rendered speechless at this point in our relationship.

"hi , iam an outgoing pervert lookn for a sexy female

i, love sports , sports ,sports,also i like to eat good food.i like spending time with family.my family is my favorite fans.football is my favorite sport piitsssbuurge to be exact.i am very funny and outgoing i am jus learning about the computer bare with me

somebody i can trust and depend on. someone i can go out with, with a worry bone in her body. some one who just want to have fun with out daddy dramma. some one i can call my baby,friend,lover .someone who would introduce me to her family"

-I think it's a little too soon to introduce you to my family, I'm not so much into the "outgoing pervert" type, my favorite "sport" is not "piitsssbuurge," it's daalllass & this introduction makes every bone in my body worry!

"hello sexy, how are u today"

-Hello stupid, u r n idiot.

"Hi, Im new to this. Was married for 20 years until a death occuered."

-How did said death "occuer?" I'm frightened of you!

"How are you? What do you do that makes you a dare devil? Do you jump sharks on water skis? I'm not much of a dare devil, I was more of one when I was younger but ever since I gained that sense of mortality, I am a little more cautious."

-Oh my God, you've seen my show at Sea World where I do actually jump sharks on water skis! The mystique is gone, we can't continue on like this. 

Do You Like Pina Coladas?

Once again, in their own words and grammar, I present to you, today's best online dating opening statements...


"I am pleased by the basic things in life,, like reading the paper in the morning with a cup of coffee,, or seeing the sunset at the beach."

-Do you like Pina Coladas, being caught in the rain and excessive use of commas too? 

"ABOUT ME Im no drinker no partyer i dont do the clubs or the bars i like spending time with my little girl she's 2 time is precious right now but when life permits I like riding 4 wheelers boating kyaking going out of town for dinner or just to go somewhere fun for the day i like going to the beach and swimming i love waterparks i love comedy funny shows movies and stand up comedians i am a nice and respectful person looking for that someone special 

WHO IM LOOKING FOR 

Im looking for a good person all the good attributes Kind hearted and not a smoker and not a partyer or drinker one or 2 is ok now and then but not someone who drinks regularly I have been through the fire so I would like to take things a little slow someone to talk to to go out to dinner with and see where things go what man is he that desireth life and loveth many days that he may see good?"

-Umm, what?! I'm going to actually need more commas and a spellcheck to figure out exactly what you are trying to say here. Damn "partyers", ruining it for the rest of us partiers!"

"I am a person committed for love making and I love some one who is ready for that. I want to enjoy with making love, having fun and sharing life experiences and interests with the one who loves me. someone who is interested and devoted for making love can join me for maximal pleasure and enjoyment"

-You have a lot of nerve there mister, I am a lady!

"Hey beautiful...How are you doing?You a are beautiful goddess..I bet you heard that a lot...I'm Timothy but you can call me Tim."

-Honestly now, can you "heard" that you are a beautiful goddess enough?!

"Looking for you! Hi, My name is Ed n would like to get to know you."

- "n" I really don't.

"I was driving by the car dealership the other day and I had this incredible urge to go in and buy a Corvette. How cliche is that? I have no idea from where these feelings originated. Of course I didn't do it, because "Who wants to be that guy!" I certainly don't. If I am going to buy a sports car during some semblance of a mid-life crisis, it's going to be a Porche. Maybe that's worse."

-Trust me, you were "that guy" before you even had to say it. You had me (running) at "mid-life crisis."  

"Do you have any hobbies? I took up guitar a while ago and I am getting better all the time. It's a great instrument to take anywhere. Let me know a song you like and I will try to learn it for you and in the summer, I can still bounce on the diving board at the pool and make ridiculous splashes."

-I would enjoy a good serenading of "Master of Puppets by Metallica and just for the record, belly flopping off the diving board into a pool of water and splashing around like you're drowning, not as impressive as it sounds, sorry. :(

A Note From Peter: Proving that Chivalry is not Dead!

Sometimes you get rejected in this whole dating game kind of thing and that's ok. I didn't seek this gentleman out, because I was taught long ago as a southern girl, we never make the first move, if a man is truly interested, he will make himself known. This man didn't have to send me any correspondence whatsoever, but he did and it was appreciated. So I raise a glass to you Peter. May you find the love of your life in your current dating situation and "Cheers" to proving that there may still be hope in the world that a few good men really do exist!




"Hello, 

The good news: 
Your smile and what your profile says did it for me. I can relate to what 
it says and I'd go for a coffee or a glass of wine in a heartbeat. 

The bad news (well maybe not so bad): 

I have started to date someone and I don't date more than one person at a time. My subscription is about to run out, and I've been letting it coast for the last two months. You are actually the only person I've responded to since starting my relationship. It's because you're that interesting!

I had one relationship on here before meeting the person I'm with now. She broke my heart. I doubt this person will do the same. If she did however, I suspect you would be the first person I would try to find ;) 

I hope your not put off by my candor LOL. 

I wish you the very best in your search. It can be very 
discouraging at times, but you can find the special someone on 
here.


-Peter"

Online Opening Statements

*Actual opening statements from potential online "suitors." None of the content has been changed to make them seem any smarter. 

"your very pretty:)" 

- The pretty doesn't even matter, you're a gramatical hot mess!

"Looks tend to send the wrong signal when people should be paying more attention to who the person is. If you really want to know more about me and who I'm looking for, drop me a line and let's talk about it."

-Let's not. You're ugly!

"Hey there, how r ya? Would love to get to know u if your interested? U are really good looking and seem really nice. Hope ur wknd is going well."

-Hey there u r stupd! Unless you're texting me & we're already friends, I will never respond to this kind of ice breaker!

"One thing is definitely for sure. I don't want to meet women with ulterior motives, that happen to be carrying a chip on their shoulder due to the "other" guys they've been with in the past."

-That counts me out, sorry sir!

"Great guy! Love to try new things! Want to see the world! Sorry! Figured out a few things about life! There has to be excitement in any relationship! So part of the intrigue is getting to know someone! So forgive me if I don't expose a lot about myself! Also, not interested in wasting your time or mine, so if you love God and you know who you are, give a Brotha a chance! Absolutely No drama! Keeping it real!"

-Brotha, Let's keep it real, I can't give you a chance because you use waaaay too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!

"hi everyone feel free to say I LOVE MYSELF everyday!smile to sun,be greatful to living.tomorrows not yet past is to late only presents are left.not many will understand meaning what u want for yourself.if u know drop a line..."

-I can't get through you're "selling point" description to move on to what I'd hoped would be your finer qualities. What the fuck are you trying to say? Work on your spelling & grammar then get back to me, ok?

"the name is terry . same things in the first note ,for this one too also.i want someone too spend time with me ,she can be a good cook or agood person . life is too short for not haveing someone in life.so i like most things ect."

-So easy a caveman could do it! 

"I am a very caring man i love to be close to someone that i am in love with i enjoy the very simple things in life holding hands still means a lot to me and somthing very important to me is telling your partner i love you that means a hole lot to me"

-It does not mean a "hole" lot to me, go love on someone else!

"I'm me and your you, it could be great or it could be a disaster but you won't know until we meet. Either way I can honestly say I'm sincerely happy to have met you and I wish you the best in life and all you are looking for in it!"

-But we HAVEN'T met & your grammar sucks. I'm still looking around, ok?

"If you're thick, a few extra pounds, curvy and/or cuddly, BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT FAT, but instead PHAT, I'd love to get to know you!!!"

-I'm not "PHAT," will never be and quite frankly find that to be a little insulting."

"I do appreciate life, love it and live every minute of it. Come and ride the peace train with me."

-With all due respect Cat Stevens, uh, Yusuf Islam, whatever...this "peace train" sounds a little boring. I'm more accustomed to the one that Ozzy rides.

"Libra, pure Libra Librans are known for comparing and thinking in relative terms, instead of in absolutes. This weekend is not just a good weekend, it's better than last weekend. These people are always looking for the "best" way or the "right" way to live. Harmony is the ultimate goal, but their idealism and high expectations can mean plenty of discontent. Since life presents all of us with an extraordinary amount of choices, if Libra doesn't learn to live in the moment at least some of the time, they'll be in a constant state of unrest. 

Society needs rules, and these rules attempt to bring justice, equality, and fairness. On an individual level, Libra represents these laws of civilization. Libra comes across as very civilized and rather refined."

-Thanks for the read Swami Soothwayer! As a Libra, you have not told me anything that I didn't already know.

"Dichotomies can be fun, who wouldn't want to meet a daredevil Southern Belle, who also enjoys sports and has a killer smile? I work in NoVA 2-3 days a week, and often stay in Manassas or Gainesville, so getting coffee or a drink shouldn't be too difficult to work out. I'm fairly certain that I would enjoy meeting you, what do you think? Make it a wonderful day!"

-I'm fairly certain that YOU would enjoy meeting me, but it's just not gonna happen, so you make it a wonderful day without me! :)

"Hi there, I just read your profile. You sound very sweet and you're absolutely gorgeous. Me? I'm a Single Male(Mixed with French, Cherokee and African american). I'm 6' -1" Tall. I have light brown /hazel Eyes, Muscular build-Like to run and lift so no beer belley :-). I'm a graduate from Michigan State University and have a Bachelors Degree in Industrial Engineering Iive in Durham and work in RTP.Actually I just returned a few months ago. I was on assignment in Hong kong for a year, and really just kind of getting settled in again. I loved Hong kong, it was kind of like a tropical Manhattan, but it's also good to be home :-) You sound very sweet, and I think we'd have a lot in common together and would have so much fun. Me, I've been Battling beavers this week. Darn rodents stole my favorite pear tree, so now.....IT'S WAR!!! Been puttting up beaver barriers, and am exhaustesd. I love living on the lake, but sometimes it does pose it's problems. But the fun and relaxation of it definitely outweighs the problems.My AOL screenname/email is xxxx. My phone number is 919 dash XXX dash XXXX or 919-XXX-XXXX. The email thing is kool, but I still prefer the old fashioned telephone for geting to know someone. Or I could call you if you'd prefer. Bye for now and really hope I get to to talk to and see you soon."

- 1. You put up a picture, there is no need to describe yourself in detail, I've got eyes! 2. Who uses an AOL Screenname anymore? 3. Appreciate you giving me your phone number in two different formats, that was helpful in the event that I didn't understand that the word "dash" actually meant one of these (-) 4. Since you are already "battling beavers," I'd prefer that mine doesn't get involved, it doesn't play nice with others.

"You must be from Ireland because my penis be Dublin."


-Just die.

She Was an American Girl

*This is an actual form of correspondence sent to me in hopes to get a date.


"I am a little bit confused on how and what to do just to wipe out from my vivid mind your charming and beautiful face. The more time I look at your pictures and read your profile the more I like everything about you, the more I want to find out all about you - how you think, how you feel, what your dreams are and everything nice from you. I have liked your profile and believe it to be a good match!"

Creep factor: 10

This is a person who has already masturbated to my online photo. 

He is also the one that would fake an arm injury as I am walking through a parking lot, then lure me into helping him load a mini couch into the back of his van.

What happens next? "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again!"

And then I'm forced to live naked in a hole praying that Jodie Foster comes and finds me, wondering all the while just what the hell was going on upstairs with the bad music and the nipping & tucking!

So not worth the free dinner!

Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

So, after years of on and off relationships, blind dates, set-ups by friends, office romances, random meetings at the grocery store and even a few of the dreaded bar pick-ups: I figured why not try online dating again? How bad could it be, right?! I've done it before with success, but I had to kiss A LOT of frogs in the process. It was exhausting, almost more trouble than it's worth really. But this time I am taking it on with a new humorous approach.


You see, I'm not desperately looking for love. I'm not one of those girls who has that obnoxious biological clock ticking loudly in my head. I don't need marriage or kids to make me feel complete. I've happily been Ms. Martin for far too long and am quite comfortable set in my own quirky single girl ways. It is going to take a miracle to find someone who finds me half as fabulous as I already think I am. But hey, if you think you're up for the challenge, then game on.


My personality type, so says the online dating community, is that of an "Explorer," someone who is "spontaneous, creative and open-minded," yeah, that seems about right and on paper makes me sound like a pretty cool chick. But also know, that I work a really fucked up schedule, I'm a raging insomniac, when I drink too much I act a fool, I've recently discovered that I might have anger management issues that I've been trying to sequester for decades, I curse all the time, I'm a sore loser, I have two cats, so by proxy that is the making of a pre "crazy cat lady," sometimes I can't control what flies out of my mouth and find myself just as surprised by the content as the person it was directed to. I don't think before I jump, then complain when I get injured, I cry like a sucky baby when I get frustrated, I'm way too cocksure for my own good and I am a terrible liar, so I've got no game or cover up. My intentions are always good but I lack the key social skills to make then work to my advantage.


Despite it all, I still think that I am super awesome and my mom probably thinks I'm a good catch, so I forge on. Sigh, someday my prince will come, riding in on a white horse with a flash mob in tow, dancing to some dumb Black Eyed Peas song that I don't even like. We'll have that Hollywood kiss and be sprayed with champagne like we've just won the Daytona 500. He'll climb up my long, lush braid into the Ivory Tower that I've chosen to rent until I can find something better and we'll live happily ever after with my seven tiny midget friends and a talking donkey.


It will be glorious, but until then, let's make fun of the guys like you who want to get with girls like me!