Slow Ride...Take it Easy

The following is an email exchange that transpired between me & "Mr. X," a guy who, on his dating profile came across as both normal & attractive. I have not changed anything that he wrote to me, including the grammar & punctuation, so when you cringe reading it, that's all on him. It actually makes me feel a little anxious to leave it as is, but I want you to view it in all it's flawed glory. I blocked out his real name & phone number, that by the way, he gave up to me almost immediately without me asking or wanting it. 


Hi I'm Mr. X and I pretty much want a girl JUST LIKE YOU. You are rare, unique in an awesome way..interesting and quite beautiful. You would be such a fun girlfriend to have. I dont give a rats ass that you live 45 minutes away...I like driving

-Hi Mr. X, I see from your profile pictures that you are a huge Redskins fan, with all those posters tacked up on the wall behind your selfies & stuff, how do you feel about the fact that I am a Cowboys fan?

Omg I love this. It would be fun having a cowboy fan girl.. I'm not a jerk it's just football :)) So when are we meeting .. And we ARE meeting. Just saying:)) 

-Whoa, slow it down a little, we just online met.

Hey I sent you an email . Them it said you sent one back but I don't see it?? 

-Just so you know, I have a really weird schedule & literally don't have any time available in the next few days. I'm working the rest of this week (overnights) & am going to a concert with friends Saturday night, next week is not really good for me either, lots of stuff going on. 

That's fine I can be patient ... I think lol. Wait so can we meet Saturday during the day ?? If not it's ok I'll wait till Xmas haha.. Ummm that was a joke.. But keep in touch.. 703-xxx-xxxx yes it's rare I give that golden number out but hey... You're cool and I love KARA.. Bad ass name 

*two minutes later...

Ok I changed my mind I'm mad at you lol. Haha JKidding., I will suffer and wait for you cause girls like you are do rare but if I don't get a text from you there will Be hell to pay ;)))

-Wow, why would you give me your phone number, what if I was an axe murderer?

Well life is about taking chances and I'm a pretty good judge of character. I think you are sweet with an edge to you which I really like. It would be a really cool thing to see a text from you today... 

-I'm not really comfortable giving you my number at this time, so please don't expect any texts from me today.

OK have to mention one more thing...since I dissected your profile... I will say the most important things you should know about me as it pertains to your profile is I am king of sarcasm (hmm that should be fun) and I can be silly and goofy and often laugh at myself as there is lots of material for that LOL. I am spiritual not religious also. OK Daredevil that's it for now...SEND ME A TEXT:) if you want to of course.

-I told you, no texting. I don't know you at all, not at all cool with the idea of sharing my number with you. What if you're an axe murderer? What if you're one of those Ted Bundy types? How do you feel about NASCAR & how about you give me a little more background about you. 

Hmmm well I like most sports but Nascar is not at the top. I have watched plenty of races I know some drivers but normally watch the major ones only. I do enjoy watching it..that's the truth and Im sticking to it. You do realize you said answer some questions and you only really asked one..the Nascar one silly. OK Background...I guess that was another question haha...I am divorced 5 years now, have 3 kids 8 11 13 boy girl boy and they mean everything to me. They live with Ex mostly but I bust my ass and see them quite often, every other weekend and lots during week since I have no love life (insert you here). I am a very dedicated Dad. Hard to be a killer and be a great Dad...just saying. I am kind, laid back but active too. I am positive thinker and love adventure,, also like holding hands and kissing.. 

-I did send you some questions, here they are again...
Where are you from? 
How long have you been online dating? 
How have your experiences been online. I want both good & horror stories here! 
What kind of music do you like? 
Have you ever murdered anyone?

OMG I'm a moron...didnt see that. OK here we go...I am from Vienna Va, lived in VA all my life. Did live in England, Iran Philippines for couple years each when I was very young, been here in VA since 1976. Been online dating for one year. A few good a few bad. Never had a real relationship at all in fact longest was 3 dates. Some kissing thats it. The worst was girls showing up looking NOTHING like their pics, so so terribly uncomfortable. But no horror stories except some were scary looking. I will go into more details when we see each other, and we will. Music?,,, lots of variety, don't like rap in general except the song "Puke" by m&M haha. Love Bruce Springsteen, Stones, not into heavy metal either but do like some. Like Bon Jovi type of rock, I do like Katie Perry, Thats right I said it and not ashamed. I like top 40 crap so sue me. Uhhh no never murdered anyone, I have a hard time killing spiders and I hate them. But they have a right to live...unless they are in my property, then they are trespassing and I squash them. So give me the dirt on you:)) 

-No response from me, because I was kinda ooged out.

Lets see what else. Oh I also read somewhat spiritual "be a better person" books. I don't recall Ted reading any of those...I could be wrong, but...I'm right. I also would rather be happy than be right so I will let you think you are right when we disagree or when we have our first cute argument as boyfriend-girlfriend , knowing in my mind I will always be right. Thats the kind of guy I am..and that you will be dating...lucky you 

-No response from me because, I was really ooged out. 

Are you breaking up with me? Geez o flip 

-Sorry, I am really busy at work tonight, really don't have time to chat. (Pssst...hey readers, I'm NOT at work tonight).

So I figure after our 6 month dating anniversary as d couple, I'm gonna take you to Cancun. What do you think ? 

-No response from me, because I was super ooged out!

So why can't you text me.. 703-xxx-xxxx . Yes I realize I gave this to you already but you OBVIOUSLY lost it or for some reason you think I can steal your identity? Or something .. Any ways WILL YOU PLEASE SEND ME A TEXT . I'm not Ted and I HJONK you know I am safe .. 

-No texting. Really, I'm not going to text you, so please stop asking. And WTF does "I HJONK" mean?

LMAO.. OMG I swear I knew you would grill me for that. I looked at my moronic typo and thought "that smart ass is going to have a field day with this"... HJONK is Korean for think... You didn't know that? Good morning Kara!! Hope you saved some lives today. Hey can I hear your voice? Like a quick phone chat ? That thought just popped up in my head., 

-I'm not ready to give out my number to you or anyone. Seriously, we don't even know anything about each other, I am an extremely cautious person, you seem very nice, but this is just how I roll. Call me old-fashioned or whatever, that's just me. 

*one minute later...

Hey My eyes are hazel too hmmmm  

*three minutes later...

Alrighty then. I can respect that. You look really mean in one of your pics by the way and it happens to be my favorite 

Hey, Mr. X, there is a very fine line between flattering a woman & freaking her the fuck out! I am truly an old-fashioned girl with a lot of street smarts. Take the time to get to know someone a little before throwing your number out there & for fuck's sake, NEVER refer to a woman as your future "girlfriend" or fantasize about the prospect of the "cute little boyfriend-girlfriend arguments" we're gonna have or book anniversary trips to Mexico before you've ever even met her. Are you insane?  

My experience with online dating in 2014 is already looking mighty bleak fellas. You gotta step up your game.