Tuesday, September 16, 2014
I'm Back in the Saddle Again
But what if some extenuating monkey wrench gets thrown into your blissful waiting game & totally fucks everything to bits. There are no more cards on the table, waiting is no longer a viable option. Didn't think about that, did you they?!"
"Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?"
I'll tell you what you do, pull back those reins, sit up tall in that saddle & get back in the rodeo, or in this case, join an online dating website. I don't care if you swore that you'd never do it again. Never say never. Maybe this time there will be a whole new fresh faced crop of interesting men that actually fit into the long ass personality profile that you submitted. For real, this time is gonna be great...just great!
A few basic rules before we begin:
1. I can overlook a typo or two in your profile, but if I sense that you have no solid grasp of your grammatical responsibilities, then you're getting deleted.
2. If you refer to yourself in the third person, i.e. "George loves the spicy chicken," you're out.
3. Profile pictures of you standing in front of your bathroom mirror with your shirt off are unacceptable. Seriously, I don't care how great your written profile is, as soon as I see that, you're gone!
4. There will never be a time that I want to "go to the gun show" with you, so leave your stupid poses out of your profile pictures as well, and again, put on a shirt.
5. If there is any sexual innuendo in any message you send me, game over. I'm a good girl & you are an asshole.
6. If at any point you mention your fondness of Nickelback in any of our getting to know you conversations, you're finished.
7. If you don't fit into my dating age ranges listed on my profile, I ain't interested. I don't want to date a child, nor my dad. Don't even try to change my mind by saying, "But I'm a young 72 year old." No, just no.
8. Don't send me messages saying that your profile is not currently active & I should just call you if I want to get to know you. Pony up your $39.99, ya cheapskate or post an add on Craigslist.
9. Don't ask me for my phone number and/or email address right off the bat, I'm not giving them to you.
10. If you try to friend me on Facebook before we even go out on a date, then you're a creepy stalker & I will ask you to leave me alone forever.
11. Overusing "lol" will not be tolerated, nip that shit in the bud. Just nip it!
12. I will also google the hell out of you & probably do a background check before we ever meet. A girl can't be too cautious.