Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hey Baby, Hey Baby, Hey!

*As always nothing has been changed in these introductions, they are copied & pasted exactly as I received them. 

"Hey baby, I'm XXXXXX and I see we are a match. Glad we actually are. Anyway since we both found ourselves on here and evidently we happen to match each other. Why waste time then? If you don't mind Can I get to know you more? I will be expecting to read from you,if that's a YES. I will sure be looking forward to reading from you soon. I care."

-For the record, "Hey baby" doesn't really work for me as an introduction. It is nice to you that "you care," but truthfully I don't, so this is goodbye.

"good heart man looking for a good hearted womam, got to have honesty and faithfulness, liars and pillheads i do not reply to me, my boys are my live, they are 5, 6yrs old. looking for the lady who dont care to get there hands dirty or there feet wet, i try to led a simple and fun life"

-While I'm not a "pillhead" nor a "liar," I don't think that I could ever be "womam" enough for you. As for the rest of this introduction, I'm going to require that you take an English 101 class before we procedd any further. I'm rendered speechless at this point in our relationship.

"hi , iam an outgoing pervert lookn for a sexy female
i, love sports , sports ,sports,also i like to eat good food.i like spending time with family.my family is my favorite fans.football is my favorite sport piitsssbuurge to be exact.i am very funny and outgoing i am jus learning about the computer bare with me
somebody i can trust and depend on. someone i can go out with, with a worry bone in her body. some one who just want to have fun with out daddy dramma. some one i can call my baby,friend,lover .someone who would introduce me to her family"

-I think it's a little too soon to introduce you to my family, I'm not so much into the "outgoing pervert" type, my favorite "sport" is not "piitsssbuurge," it's daalllass & this introduction makes every bone in my body worry!

"hello sexy, how are u today"

-Hello stupid, u r n idiot.

"Hi, Im new to this. Was married for 20 years until a death occuered."

-How did said death "occuer?" I'm frightened of you!

"How are you? What do you do that makes you a dare devil? Do you jump sharks on water skis? I'm not much of a dare devil, I was more of one when I was younger but ever since I gained that sense of mortality, I am a little more cautious."

-Oh my God, you've seen my show at Sea World where I do actually jump sharks on water skis! The mystique is gone, we can't continue on like this. 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Do You Like Pina Coladas?

Once again, in their own words and grammar, I present to you, today's best online dating opening statements...

"I am pleased by the basic things in life,, like reading the paper in the morning with a cup of coffee,, or seeing the sunset at the beach."

-Do you like Pina Coladas, being caught in the rain and excessive use of commas too? 

"ABOUT ME Im no drinker no partyer i dont do the clubs or the bars i like spending time with my little girl she's 2 time is precious right now but when life permits I like riding 4 wheelers boating kyaking going out of town for dinner or just to go somewhere fun for the day i like going to the beach and swimming i love waterparks i love comedy funny shows movies and stand up comedians i am a nice and respectful person looking for that someone special 
Im looking for a good person all the good attributes Kind hearted and not a smoker and not a partyer or drinker one or 2 is ok now and then but not someone who drinks regularly I have been through the fire so I would like to take things a little slow someone to talk to to go out to dinner with and see where things go what man is he that desireth life and loveth many days that he may see good?"

-Umm, what?! I'm going to actually need more commas and a spellcheck to figure out exactly what you are trying to say here. Damn "partyers", ruining it for the rest of us partiers!"

"I am a person committed for love making and I love some one who is ready for that. I want to enjoy with making love, having fun and sharing life experiences and interests with the one who loves me. someone who is interested and devoted for making love can join me for maximal pleasure and enjoyment"

-You have a lot of nerve there mister, I am a lady!

"Hey beautiful...How are you doing?You a are beautiful goddess..I bet you heard that a lot...I'm Timothy but you can call me Tim."

-Honestly now, can you "heard" that you are a beautiful goddess enough?!

"Looking for you! Hi, My name is Ed n would like to get to know you."

- "n" I really don't.

"I was driving by the car dealership the other day and I had this incredible urge to go in and buy a Corvette. How cliche is that? I have no idea from where these feelings originated. Of course I didn't do it, because "Who wants to be that guy!" I certainly don't. If I am going to buy a sports car during some semblance of a mid-life crisis, it's going to be a Porche. Maybe that's worse."

-Trust me, you were "that guy" before you even had to say it. You had me (running) at "mid-life crisis."  

"Do you have any hobbies? I took up guitar a while ago and I am getting better all the time. It's a great instrument to take anywhere. Let me know a song you like and I will try to learn it for you and in the summer, I can still bounce on the diving board at the pool and make ridiculous splashes."

-I would enjoy a good serenading of "Master of Puppets by Metallica and just for the record, belly flopping off the diving board into a pool of water and splashing around like you're drowning, not as impressive as it sounds, sorry. :(

Friday, June 15, 2012

A Note From Peter: Proving that Chivalry is not Dead!

Sometimes you get rejected in this whole dating game kind of thing and that's ok. I didn't seek this gentleman out, because I was taught long ago as a southern girl, we never make the first move, if a man is truly interested, he will make himself known. This man didn't have to send me any correspondence whatsoever, but he did and it was appreciated. So I raise a glass to you Peter. May you find the love of your life in your current dating situation and "Cheers" to proving that there may still be hope in the world that a few good men really do exist!


The good news: 
Your smile and what your profile says did it for me. I can relate to what 
it says and I'd go for a coffee or a glass of wine in a heartbeat. 

The bad news (well maybe not so bad): 

I have started to date someone and I don't date more than one person at a time. My subscription is about to run out, and I've been letting it coast for the last two months. You are actually the only person I've responded to since starting my relationship. It's because you're that interesting!

I had one relationship on here before meeting the person I'm with now. She broke my heart. I doubt this person will do the same. If she did however, I suspect you would be the first person I would try to find ;) 

I hope your not put off by my candor LOL. 

I wish you the very best in your search. It can be very 
discouraging at times, but you can find the special someone on 


Online Opening Statements

*Actual opening statements from potential online "suitors." None of the content has been changed to make them seem any smarter. 

"your very pretty:)" 

- The pretty doesn't even matter, you're a gramatical hot mess!

"Looks tend to send the wrong signal when people should be paying more attention to who the person is. If you really want to know more about me and who I'm looking for, drop me a line and let's talk about it."

-Let's not. You're ugly!

"Hey there, how r ya? Would love to get to know u if your interested? U are really good looking and seem really nice. Hope ur wknd is going well."

-Hey there u r stupd! Unless you're texting me & we're already friends, I will never respond to this kind of ice breaker!

"One thing is definitely for sure. I don't want to meet women with ulterior motives, that happen to be carrying a chip on their shoulder due to the "other" guys they've been with in the past."

-That counts me out, sorry sir!

"Great guy! Love to try new things! Want to see the world! Sorry! Figured out a few things about life! There has to be excitement in any relationship! So part of the intrigue is getting to know someone! So forgive me if I don't expose a lot about myself! Also, not interested in wasting your time or mine, so if you love God and you know who you are, give a Brotha a chance! Absolutely No drama! Keeping it real!"

-Brotha, Let's keep it real, I can't give you a chance because you use waaaay too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!

"hi everyone feel free to say I LOVE MYSELF everyday!smile to sun,be greatful to living.tomorrows not yet past is to late only presents are left.not many will understand meaning what u want for yourself.if u know drop a line..."

-I can't get through you're "selling point" description to move on to what I'd hoped would be your finer qualities. What the fuck are you trying to say? Work on your spelling & grammar then get back to me, ok?

"the name is terry . same things in the first note ,for this one too also.i want someone too spend time with me ,she can be a good cook or agood person . life is too short for not haveing someone in life.so i like most things ect."

-So easy a caveman could do it! 

"I am a very caring man i love to be close to someone that i am in love with i enjoy the very simple things in life holding hands still means a lot to me and somthing very important to me is telling your partner i love you that means a hole lot to me"

-It does not mean a "hole" lot to me, go love on someone else!

"I'm me and your you, it could be great or it could be a disaster but you won't know until we meet. Either way I can honestly say I'm sincerely happy to have met you and I wish you the best in life and all you are looking for in it!"

-But we HAVEN'T met & your grammar sucks. I'm still looking around, ok?

"If you're thick, a few extra pounds, curvy and/or cuddly, BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT FAT, but instead PHAT, I'd love to get to know you!!!"

-I'm not "PHAT," will never be and quite frankly find that to be a little insulting."

"I do appreciate life, love it and live every minute of it. Come and ride the peace train with me."

-With all due respect Cat Stevens, uh, Yusuf Islam, whatever...this "peace train" sounds a little boring. I'm more accustomed to the one that Ozzy rides.
"Libra, pure Libra Librans are known for comparing and thinking in relative terms, instead of in absolutes. This weekend is not just a good weekend, it's better than last weekend. These people are always looking for the "best" way or the "right" way to live. Harmony is the ultimate goal, but their idealism and high expectations can mean plenty of discontent. Since life presents all of us with an extraordinary amount of choices, if Libra doesn't learn to live in the moment at least some of the time, they'll be in a constant state of unrest. 
Society needs rules, and these rules attempt to bring justice, equality, and fairness. On an individual level, Libra represents these laws of civilization. Libra comes across as very civilized and rather refined."

-Thanks for the read Swami Soothwayer! As a Libra, you have not told me anything that I didn't already know.

"Dichotomies can be fun, who wouldn't want to meet a daredevil Southern Belle, who also enjoys sports and has a killer smile? I work in NoVA 2-3 days a week, and often stay in Manassas or Gainesville, so getting coffee or a drink shouldn't be too difficult to work out. I'm fairly certain that I would enjoy meeting you, what do you think? Make it a wonderful day!"

-I'm fairly certain that YOU would enjoy meeting me, but it's just not gonna happen, so you make it a wonderful day without me! :)

"Hi there, I just read your profile. You sound very sweet and you're absolutely gorgeous. Me? I'm a Single Male(Mixed with French, Cherokee and African american). I'm 6' -1" Tall. I have light brown /hazel Eyes, Muscular build-Like to run and lift so no beer belley :-). I'm a graduate from Michigan State University and have a Bachelors Degree in Industrial Engineering Iive in Durham and work in RTP.Actually I just returned a few months ago. I was on assignment in Hong kong for a year, and really just kind of getting settled in again. I loved Hong kong, it was kind of like a tropical Manhattan, but it's also good to be home :-) You sound very sweet, and I think we'd have a lot in common together and would have so much fun. Me, I've been Battling beavers this week. Darn rodents stole my favorite pear tree, so now.....IT'S WAR!!! Been puttting up beaver barriers, and am exhaustesd. I love living on the lake, but sometimes it does pose it's problems. But the fun and relaxation of it definitely outweighs the problems.My AOL screenname/email is xxxx. My phone number is 919 dash XXX dash XXXX or 919-XXX-XXXX. The email thing is kool, but I still prefer the old fashioned telephone for geting to know someone. Or I could call you if you'd prefer. Bye for now and really hope I get to to talk to and see you soon."

- 1. You put up a picture, there is no need to describe yourself in detail, I've got eyes! 2. Who uses an AOL Screenname anymore? 3. Appreciate you giving me your phone number in two different formats, that was helpful in the event that I didn't understand that the word "dash" actually meant one of these (-) 4. Since you are already "battling beavers," I'd prefer that mine doesn't get involved, it doesn't play nice with others.

"You must be from Ireland because my penis be Dublin."

-Just die.

She Was an American Girl

*This is an actual form of correspondence sent to me in hopes to get a date.

"I am a little bit confused on how and what to do just to wipe out from my vivid mind your charming and beautiful face. The more time I look at your pictures and read your profile the more I like everything about you, the more I want to find out all about you - how you think, how you feel, what your dreams are and everything nice from you. I have liked your profile and believe it to be a good match!"

Creep factor: 10

This is a person who has already masturbated to my online photo. 

He is also the one that would fake an arm injury as I am walking through a parking lot, then lure me into helping him load a mini couch into the back of his van.

What happens next? "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again!"

And then I'm forced to live naked in a hole praying that Jodie Foster comes and finds me, wondering all the while just what the hell was going on upstairs with the bad music and the nipping & tucking!

So not worth the free dinner!

Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

So, after years of on and off relationships, blind dates, set-ups by friends, office romances, random meetings at the grocery store and even a few of the dreaded bar pick-ups: I figured why not try online dating again? How bad could it be, right?! I've done it before with success, but I had to kiss A LOT of frogs in the process. It was exhausting, almost more trouble than it's worth really. But this time I am taking it on with a new humorous approach.

You see, I'm not desperately looking for love. I'm not one of those girls who has that obnoxious biological clock ticking loudly in my head. I don't need marriage or kids to make me feel complete. I've happily been Ms. Martin for far too long and am quite comfortable set in my own quirky single girl ways. It is going to take a miracle to find someone who finds me half as fabulous as I already think I am. But hey, if you think you're up for the challenge, then game on.

My personality type, so says the online dating community, is that of an "Explorer," someone who is "spontaneous, creative and open-minded," yeah, that seems about right and on paper makes me sound like a pretty cool chick. But also know, that I work a really fucked up schedule, I'm a raging insomniac, when I drink too much I act a fool, I've recently discovered that I might have anger management issues that I've been trying to sequester for decades, I curse all the time, I'm a sore loser, I have two cats, so by proxy that is the making of a pre "crazy cat lady," sometimes I can't control what flies out of my mouth and find myself just as surprised by the content as the person it was directed to. I don't think before I jump, then complain when I get injured, I cry like a sucky baby when I get frustrated, I'm way too cocksure for my own good and I am a terrible liar, so I've got no game or cover up. My intentions are always good but I lack the key social skills to make then work to my advantage.

Despite it all, I still think that I am super awesome and my mom probably thinks I'm a good catch, so I forge on. Sigh, someday my prince will come, riding in on a white horse with a flash mob in tow, dancing to some dumb Black Eyed Peas song that I don't even like. We'll have that Hollywood kiss and be sprayed with champagne like we've just won the Daytona 500. He'll climb up my long, lush braid into the Ivory Tower that I've chosen to rent until I can find something better and we'll live happily ever after with my seven tiny midget friends and a talking donkey.

It will be glorious, but until then, let's make fun of the guys like you who want to get with girls like me!