Friday, June 15, 2012

Online Opening Statements

*Actual opening statements from potential online "suitors." None of the content has been changed to make them seem any smarter. 

"your very pretty:)" 

- The pretty doesn't even matter, you're a gramatical hot mess!

"Looks tend to send the wrong signal when people should be paying more attention to who the person is. If you really want to know more about me and who I'm looking for, drop me a line and let's talk about it."

-Let's not. You're ugly!

"Hey there, how r ya? Would love to get to know u if your interested? U are really good looking and seem really nice. Hope ur wknd is going well."

-Hey there u r stupd! Unless you're texting me & we're already friends, I will never respond to this kind of ice breaker!

"One thing is definitely for sure. I don't want to meet women with ulterior motives, that happen to be carrying a chip on their shoulder due to the "other" guys they've been with in the past."

-That counts me out, sorry sir!

"Great guy! Love to try new things! Want to see the world! Sorry! Figured out a few things about life! There has to be excitement in any relationship! So part of the intrigue is getting to know someone! So forgive me if I don't expose a lot about myself! Also, not interested in wasting your time or mine, so if you love God and you know who you are, give a Brotha a chance! Absolutely No drama! Keeping it real!"

-Brotha, Let's keep it real, I can't give you a chance because you use waaaay too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!

"hi everyone feel free to say I LOVE MYSELF everyday!smile to sun,be greatful to living.tomorrows not yet past is to late only presents are left.not many will understand meaning what u want for yourself.if u know drop a line..."

-I can't get through you're "selling point" description to move on to what I'd hoped would be your finer qualities. What the fuck are you trying to say? Work on your spelling & grammar then get back to me, ok?

"the name is terry . same things in the first note ,for this one too also.i want someone too spend time with me ,she can be a good cook or agood person . life is too short for not haveing someone in i like most things ect."

-So easy a caveman could do it! 

"I am a very caring man i love to be close to someone that i am in love with i enjoy the very simple things in life holding hands still means a lot to me and somthing very important to me is telling your partner i love you that means a hole lot to me"

-It does not mean a "hole" lot to me, go love on someone else!

"I'm me and your you, it could be great or it could be a disaster but you won't know until we meet. Either way I can honestly say I'm sincerely happy to have met you and I wish you the best in life and all you are looking for in it!"

-But we HAVEN'T met & your grammar sucks. I'm still looking around, ok?

"If you're thick, a few extra pounds, curvy and/or cuddly, BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT FAT, but instead PHAT, I'd love to get to know you!!!"

-I'm not "PHAT," will never be and quite frankly find that to be a little insulting."

"I do appreciate life, love it and live every minute of it. Come and ride the peace train with me."

-With all due respect Cat Stevens, uh, Yusuf Islam, whatever...this "peace train" sounds a little boring. I'm more accustomed to the one that Ozzy rides.
"Libra, pure Libra Librans are known for comparing and thinking in relative terms, instead of in absolutes. This weekend is not just a good weekend, it's better than last weekend. These people are always looking for the "best" way or the "right" way to live. Harmony is the ultimate goal, but their idealism and high expectations can mean plenty of discontent. Since life presents all of us with an extraordinary amount of choices, if Libra doesn't learn to live in the moment at least some of the time, they'll be in a constant state of unrest. 
Society needs rules, and these rules attempt to bring justice, equality, and fairness. On an individual level, Libra represents these laws of civilization. Libra comes across as very civilized and rather refined."

-Thanks for the read Swami Soothwayer! As a Libra, you have not told me anything that I didn't already know.

"Dichotomies can be fun, who wouldn't want to meet a daredevil Southern Belle, who also enjoys sports and has a killer smile? I work in NoVA 2-3 days a week, and often stay in Manassas or Gainesville, so getting coffee or a drink shouldn't be too difficult to work out. I'm fairly certain that I would enjoy meeting you, what do you think? Make it a wonderful day!"

-I'm fairly certain that YOU would enjoy meeting me, but it's just not gonna happen, so you make it a wonderful day without me! :)

"Hi there, I just read your profile. You sound very sweet and you're absolutely gorgeous. Me? I'm a Single Male(Mixed with French, Cherokee and African american). I'm 6' -1" Tall. I have light brown /hazel Eyes, Muscular build-Like to run and lift so no beer belley :-). I'm a graduate from Michigan State University and have a Bachelors Degree in Industrial Engineering Iive in Durham and work in RTP.Actually I just returned a few months ago. I was on assignment in Hong kong for a year, and really just kind of getting settled in again. I loved Hong kong, it was kind of like a tropical Manhattan, but it's also good to be home :-) You sound very sweet, and I think we'd have a lot in common together and would have so much fun. Me, I've been Battling beavers this week. Darn rodents stole my favorite pear tree, so now.....IT'S WAR!!! Been puttting up beaver barriers, and am exhaustesd. I love living on the lake, but sometimes it does pose it's problems. But the fun and relaxation of it definitely outweighs the problems.My AOL screenname/email is xxxx. My phone number is 919 dash XXX dash XXXX or 919-XXX-XXXX. The email thing is kool, but I still prefer the old fashioned telephone for geting to know someone. Or I could call you if you'd prefer. Bye for now and really hope I get to to talk to and see you soon."

- 1. You put up a picture, there is no need to describe yourself in detail, I've got eyes! 2. Who uses an AOL Screenname anymore? 3. Appreciate you giving me your phone number in two different formats, that was helpful in the event that I didn't understand that the word "dash" actually meant one of these (-) 4. Since you are already "battling beavers," I'd prefer that mine doesn't get involved, it doesn't play nice with others.

"You must be from Ireland because my penis be Dublin."

-Just die.

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