Friday, June 15, 2012

Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

So, after years of on and off relationships, blind dates, set-ups by friends, office romances, random meetings at the grocery store and even a few of the dreaded bar pick-ups: I figured why not try online dating again? How bad could it be, right?! I've done it before with success, but I had to kiss A LOT of frogs in the process. It was exhausting, almost more trouble than it's worth really. But this time I am taking it on with a new humorous approach.

You see, I'm not desperately looking for love. I'm not one of those girls who has that obnoxious biological clock ticking loudly in my head. I don't need marriage or kids to make me feel complete. I've happily been Ms. Martin for far too long and am quite comfortable set in my own quirky single girl ways. It is going to take a miracle to find someone who finds me half as fabulous as I already think I am. But hey, if you think you're up for the challenge, then game on.

My personality type, so says the online dating community, is that of an "Explorer," someone who is "spontaneous, creative and open-minded," yeah, that seems about right and on paper makes me sound like a pretty cool chick. But also know, that I work a really fucked up schedule, I'm a raging insomniac, when I drink too much I act a fool, I've recently discovered that I might have anger management issues that I've been trying to sequester for decades, I curse all the time, I'm a sore loser, I have two cats, so by proxy that is the making of a pre "crazy cat lady," sometimes I can't control what flies out of my mouth and find myself just as surprised by the content as the person it was directed to. I don't think before I jump, then complain when I get injured, I cry like a sucky baby when I get frustrated, I'm way too cocksure for my own good and I am a terrible liar, so I've got no game or cover up. My intentions are always good but I lack the key social skills to make then work to my advantage.

Despite it all, I still think that I am super awesome and my mom probably thinks I'm a good catch, so I forge on. Sigh, someday my prince will come, riding in on a white horse with a flash mob in tow, dancing to some dumb Black Eyed Peas song that I don't even like. We'll have that Hollywood kiss and be sprayed with champagne like we've just won the Daytona 500. He'll climb up my long, lush braid into the Ivory Tower that I've chosen to rent until I can find something better and we'll live happily ever after with my seven tiny midget friends and a talking donkey.

It will be glorious, but until then, let's make fun of the guys like you who want to get with girls like me!

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