Let the 2013 Online Dating Games Being. Men, May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

*As always nothing has been changed in these introductions, they are copied & pasted exactly as I received them. Actual names have been XXXX out. 

-Now, let's pick this hot mess apart! 

Subject: A note from Mr.loverman

- First off, TERRIBLE nickname you've chosen. Seriously, unless you're Shabba Ranks, this is already a "don't!"

Wow , You have such a beautiful profile. Have you found your lover? If you are still searching, I am interested in getting to know more about youwh .what motivates you? What makes your heart leap with passion? Love? Joy? I find your intelligence and beauty very exciting.Your profile drew me in and captivated me. Mine seems so barren compared to yours. I'm looking for a man who wants to take the time to get to know me

- I actually shudder at the word "lover." In my head I always read it in some weird foreign accent like "Luuuvvaaaa." Secondly, you have just referred to me as "looking for a MAN who wants to take the time to get to know me," Hey, I am cool with the fact that I kinda have an androgynous look about me, but get it straight. Third, What the fuck kind of opening line is this? You wrote this with with one hand didn't you, while unzipping your pants with the other one. Eww. Oh and your punctuation is shit!

I am ready willing and able to venture forth on a journey that will leave the past behind while preserving the best memories and forgiving the ones that were hurtful and usually unintentional. I live life one day, one hour, one moment at a time. I want and need the healing power of love physically emotionally and spiritually. I live as if time were on fire and I believe that every day of the right relationship should be treated like the first day of our honeymoon. I want to share what I have with one special man who will appreciate that I have a deep capacity to love that needs to be filled and fulfilled. We can't keep it unless we give it away.

- There is not, nor ever be when I want to live as if time were on "fire," what fun is that? Always dodging the backdraft, throwing those little roll-up ladders out windows, not to mention having to "stop, drop and roll" every five minutes or so as not to be burned alive! The first day of one's honeymoon is generally spent traveling to some exotic destination, lame. Oh and stop referring to me as a "man!"

I am writing these thoughts as the flow into my head and my sense is that they are coming directly from my heart. I'm feeling very peaceful now and this seems like the appropriate place to stop. I currently serve in the army but I'll be retiring in the next 2 months .

-Ummm, yeah. I'm thinking that the reason that you are "feeling very peaceful now and this seems like the appropriate place to stop," is because you've just shot off a load onto my online pictures, after typing with your less dominate hand (which would explain the typos and random sentence about retiring from the Army soon) and are about to roll over an fall asleep.

If for some reason we happen not to be right for each other, I wish you the best in your search. I wish you continued passion and an exciting lover to keep your fires burning. I appreciate and admire your intensity.

Hope to hear from you soon.

XXXX

- "If for some reason we happen not to be right for each other." Fella, there are more than one, but I ain't got all day for explanations luuuuvvvaa! You should probably squelch your own burning fires by taking yourself to the local free clinic for a chlamydia check!

Don't hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely, 
Kara.