And May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

One in 1000.

That is roughly the odds I am guessing that it takes to find a good mate on one of those online dating site, at least according to my horse in the race. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have deleted close to 1000 emails or "interest" messages from potential suitors over the last six months.

Only one made through all of my sticky, tangled up mess of red tape. One.

And even if you do manage to let your guard down and accidentally stumble across that so-called,"one," there is still no guarantee that it will work out, there could still be something missing and almost all the time there is.


"I want you,
I need you,
but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you,
but don't feel sad, 
'cause two out of three ain't bad."

Sing it Meat Loaf, ya bastard ya.

Two out of three doesn't cut it with me.
I want it all.
I deserve it all.
I crave the fairy tale and all the romance that comes along with it.
I won't stop until I find it, but my knight in shining armor is not on Plenty of Fish. Ironically, I hate fish.

There are however plenty of misogynists, sociopaths, psychopaths, sexual predators, personality disorders, straight up assholes and a level of testosterone driven, self-admiration that I am not comfortable with at all. I wanna date you, not bring you tropical drinks and fan you with a palm frond, while you sit beside the pool and look at yourself in a mirror! Men, let's tone it down a little, you're disgusting. For reals, yo.

I'm more than just a pretty face, but no one would know that because they don't take the time to read what I have to say. Sure, pretty gets you in the door a lot of the time, but that isn't what keeps you around. Make a freaking effort and dig a little deeper guys, pretend to at least be interested in my interests. Don't get me wrong, on a purely superficial level, you made me feel like a golden goddess with all of your emails, winks, interests, favorites, and "want to meet yous," but every last one of them was an alliance that ended before it began. You built me up buttercups, just to let me down and mess me around.

Here's the thing, I'm someone who was born without a biological clock. I don't have that desperate need to get married or have kids. I'm ok on my own. I'm good on my own, really. I don't need to be in a relationship to feel complete and I'd sure as hell rather be alone and happy for all of the right reasons than to be with someone for all the wrong ones.

Hey PoF, it's not me, it's you. You're an over-crowded, seedy, meat market that I heedlessly entered thinking it might have some exclusive VIP section in the back where are the decent men hung out. I was wrong. At least you were free, I would have punched myself in the face if I had paid extra for the "upgrade."

As for the blog, after just two short weeks, I'm already in a holding pattern, I need a time out! Man bashing isn't bringing out the very best in me, it's not healthy and it's not nice. I'm destroying a piece of my own psyche with every below the belt hit I make. I mean, what suddenly makes me a freaking dating expert? I'm in the same situation as all of these other "losers" that I'm making fun of! We're all floating around in the same boat, it's only a matter of time before some yells out "Mutiny!" and throws me overboard.

This isn't really me, not really my thing. It's the person that I wish I had the balls to be, the person that doesn't give a shit about what others think or feel. And the karma, and golden rule and all those other things that suggest that you "do the right thing," those win every single time, hands down. I'm trading in my devil horns for that tarnished halo that I misplaced somewhere along the way.

That being said, don't you worry, I'm never going to stop being cool. Sure, I can take a moment and smooth out some of the rough edges a bit, but being cool and doing my thang, well, that's forever. It's in the blood.

Everyone is deserving of someone and all the happiness that comes with it. If you find someone out in the world whose quirkiness you can put up with and who is willing to tolerate your own level of kookiness, then grand. Grab hold with both hands and never let go! And, if you get a second chance, take it like you stole it!

Hi, I'm Kara, I'd like to introduce you to my new kinder love.

I Ain't That Lonely Yet

"Good morning to you Beauty:

First things first. I am in an open marriage, which means there is complete honesty and trust between my spouse and I while we separately pursue other relationships. We have been faithfully together for many years according to our original traditional marital agreement.

I recognize that this status of ours seems like an uncommon arrangement, but it beats the hell out of the deception and betrayal that so many people must experience when one or both parties act upon the desire of wanting more out of life while trying to maintain what they already have.

I still understand this, because we are exercising discretion with respect to our children and extended family. I know that it takes a brave one to broach the subject and two willing people to agree to it and make it work. If you are not in this situation and would like to know more, let me know. Enough of the serious stuff, read on!

I am not completely sure how to describe myself -- a face-to-face conversation is so much more meaningful for initially getting to know someone. To begin with, I am looking for mutual attraction and chemistry with an independent female, or an attached female with a little bit of free time. I am busy like most people with a job and family, but I can find some free time for the right person! I hope I can find someone with similar views, although that is not required since a few differences would give us a lot to talk about :)

I am not looking for a cyber relationship, either. I hope to find someone to just have a great time with. If we want to keep having a great time, even better! I assume you get LOTS of messages, so let me know if you would like to know more about me and meet for a drink ;)"

-Hope to hear back from you,

 xxxxxx

- Hmmm....eloquent and honest enough I suppose, but I'm gonna decline. It's not you (and your wife), it's me, I just ain't that lonely yet. But, for reals, I'm not going to judge what works for you (and your wife), go ahead with yo kinky selves, spice that marriage up! It's just not really my thing, I just don't want no part of yo tight-ass country club, ya freak bitch!

No Fear. No Prejudice. Just Love.

So today, just one day away from the Supreme Court's ruling on Prop. 8 and DOMA, it seemed kind of trite for me to complain about looking for love in all the wrong places, when there are good people out there that can't express love the way that it was meant to be; all wide open and grand, without any judgement whatsoever.

You know, the real super delicious kind that everyone is deserving of at least once in their lives.

If you are lucky enough in this world to find "your lobster," damn the torpedoes, you hang on with all you've got and never let go! Who am I or anyone else for that matter to stop you from doing your thing?

Do it loud and proud, with all the beauty and support in the world behind you.

No fear. No prejudice. Just love.

That's the good stuff right there. The sugary sweet icing, like a big ol' pile of love atop one magnificently, indulgent chocolate cake.

It should really should be that simple.

So...

"Kiss Slowly,
Play Hard,
Forgive Quickly,
Take Chances,
Give Everything
And
Have No Regrets."

I am a straight ally and I support marriage equality.

I'm a Loner, Dottie. A Rebel.

So, I'm learning that not every day is a total shit show when it come to online dating communication; here are two perfectly lovely sentiments from two different men that were in my mailbox this morning. Yeah, you're saying all the right things, but you see, I'm at a point right now where I just don't believe you. It's a classic case of  "It's not you, it's me." 

George Clooney himself could solicit me right now and I probably wouldn't even bat an eye. 

Why? Because, not only is it kind of exhausting to be "all awesome, all of the time," but...

"There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand. You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

Subject: A note from William

"Ok, you had me at "I'm all awesome, all of the time"...lol Yet I still continued to read. I like your straight forward approach and that you realize that communication is key to any relationship, and in an intimate relationship it is a must! We have several common interest. I'm a bit goofy at times, especially when I'm alone with "that" person. There's a time and place for it though and my filters work pretty well. I'm devoted to my children but I know how to have balance between them and a relationship. Being a Southern Belle, I suspect that you can appreciate a chivalrous man? I'm a door opener, chair puller and a ladies first first type of man. I will even hold your purse in public if needed. :)

Well, I guess that's enough. looking forward to hearing from you."

- William


Subject: A note from John

"The weather is finally nice. I am seeking a companion for beach trips, hiking, motorcycle rides, outdoor concerts, boating, travel, amusement parks and much more. And I will join at a NASCAR race any time! If interested let me hear from you."

- John

Run along little lambs and find someone deserving of what you're putting out into the world. Don't wait for me because I'm always late to the game. Again, this is nothing that reflects on you as individuals, this burden is all mine baby!

You were in the right place, but it must have been the wrong time. Sorry for your loss fellas.

Allow Myself to Introduce...Myself

I was asked to post my own online dating profile to my blog so that you'd get to see exactly what my so called "knights in shining armor" see when they click on my link. This is not actually the picture of me on PoF.com, but it might as well be & it's funny, so there you go. Give me your thoughts, I can take it! ;)

"At this point in my life, I am not sure what the heck I'm looking for or if I am actually really looking at all. I guess I'll know if I do indeed find it.

Here goes nothing. 

I'm all awesome, all of the time (ok, ok, most of the time). I can be loud and sarcastic, with a larger than life personality, but deep down, I'm just a regular girl at heart who is in search of one equally awesome, regular, sarcastic boy, who will accept me for the loving, pain in the ass, bit of a handful, but always honest about my quirky side, hilarious, confident, crazy at times, but genuine and loyal to a fault, woman that I am. C'mon, is that too much to ask? 

So, yeah, my standards are kinda high, is that such a bad thing?! Although I still haven't found what I'm looking for, I know who I am and sure of what I want.

Laughing out loud is one of the things that I do best! I am attracted to people who can genuinely make me laugh. A great sense of humor is a must, the sillier the better! 

I can't carry a tune to save my life and I am always open to new and exciting adventures! 

I would describe myself as one of those smart girls with a sharp quick wit mixed together with a fun daredevilish side. A bit of a tomboy with a feminine edge. Opinionated, yet open minded. Strong-willed, but also know when not to take things too serious. Lighthearted enough to laugh at myself. A huge romantic at heart. 

I like getting dressed up for no good reason, but am just as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt.

Honest communication is key, don't be afraid to say anything at all, and never settle for less than exactly what you are looking for. 

I have a big love for all types of movies, music, and most sporting events. 

I was brought up to believe that one’s true character comes from within. I was raised by proud southern parents who instilled generations of family values and traditions that have shaped me into a unique combination of elegance, brawn, and brains. If we're cool, I will be one of the kindest people you will ever have the pleasure of knowing. But, don't take my kindness as weakness, I am one tough chick trapped in the body of a Southern Belle!

My family is my life… they are my insides. No matter the miles between us, they are with me every step of the way."

Hit Me With Your Best Shot.

Here is an entertaining collection of some of the absurd emails that I received today. Remember men, you only get one chance to make a first impression

Subject: A note from M_r_right

"Hi, there? Do you believe in ghosts? I have some ghost stories to share if you are interested."

- WTF? No really, WTF! By far the most wacky first email from anyone. What would we end up doing on our first date, save Carol Anne from an old television set?

Subject: A note from Coffeelover16932

"Hello how are you doing?? i hope you are doing great, Well i am Tony and like your smile , i will like to know more about you if you not mind. i am looking forward to hear from you soon take care of yourself.."

- Again with the punctuality and grammar! Seriously men, unless you're looking for someone who is blind or in a coma, try to impress a girl by having a firm grasp of the English language and learn to write a proper sentence!

Subject: A note from LD

"Mam..have sent a couple of notes and apologize if I'm being a pest. If you might have interest, will be on the site for about an hour. Mam best regards. /r Frederick"

- You are a pest who can't take a hint. How many emails that I don't respond to will it take for you to figure that out? Go away please.

Subject: A note from Dude 2488

"I need to let you know, I am a 24 year old guy that finds women older than myself to be very attractive. I am not able to message them however due to the age parameters on this site. So I was forced to create one with the wrong age. Do you find younger guys attractive at all?"

- Hey kid, this isn't cougars.com and while you've made an old gal feel kinda special, there is no way in hell that I would ever even consider dating a 24 year old. I imagine our first date playing XBox 360 & beer bonging. Preesh though! 

Subject: A note from Maxwell

"Hello good morning and how are you doing today my name is James i was browsing through profiles when i come across your page wish set a side attraction to me i will really like to know you better and be your friend, do you mind if you write me back on my personal email cause am not yet a member here xxxxxxx@yahoo.com hope to hear from you soon." 

- Commas, use 'em!

Subject: A note from Sebastien

"Hi...how are you? Nice profile and picture. I hope you are good.Chemistry sent me an email so i am giving it a trial and see if anything good will come out from it. I didnt realize they block email adds until someone sent me a mail here and i find out her email add is blocked.So if you are interested to know more about me, you can email me on xxxx followed by the Big at sign and then followed by the following letters...Y and A and H and O and O and it ends with a dot com.I only hope you will be smart enough to get what i mean.( Hint.... vbsebastien431 and join the capital letters and then end it with a dot com.) or you can text me on....Four Zero Four Three Zero Nine Zero Three Six Six"

- "I hope you will be smart enough to get what I mean." Already demeaning, asshole. I wish you were smart enough to know that there is a space between a period and the next word of a sentence, douche.

Subject: A note from redbird

Looking to meet some new people. New to the area from the midwest. Been in VA for a few months now. So far I like it alot, its definately different from what I am use to. Thought I would try this out as a means to meet some new people.'

- You have broken the cardinal rule "alot," oh and you spelled definitely wrong. Next...

Subject: A note from vabrownbear

Hi!

"I read your profile and I have to say that I was very impressed and pleased to read it. You sound like a very wonderful person and I hope that you find that one who makes you feel complete, secure and happy."

Sincerely, 

xxxx

- I threw this one in just because even though this person really had no interest in meeting me, he sent me a really nice note. There are some true gentlemen out there still, there is hope

Subject: A note from rugby RF

"Hmm didn't know Airlie was even a Zip code do you leave elaborate voice messages"

-Well apparently it does, you gave me the "hmm" as if I was trying to pull the wool over your eyes. And WHAT IN THE FUCK? Do I "leave elaborate voice messages?" Pervert McPervster. Gross.

Subject: A note from Jeffery

"Love the smile on your face.."

- Well, where the hell else would my smile be?

Subject: A note from simplydone1

Hi, Im cjarles

-When you can't do something as easy as spelling your name correctly Charles, then we have a problem that can't be overlooked. I can't look back, I can never look back!

Let the 2013 Online Dating Games Being. Men, May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

*As always nothing has been changed in these introductions, they are copied & pasted exactly as I received them. Actual names have been XXXX out. 

-Now, let's pick this hot mess apart! 

Subject: A note from Mr.loverman

- First off, TERRIBLE nickname you've chosen. Seriously, unless you're Shabba Ranks, this is already a "don't!"

Wow , You have such a beautiful profile. Have you found your lover? If you are still searching, I am interested in getting to know more about youwh .what motivates you? What makes your heart leap with passion? Love? Joy? I find your intelligence and beauty very exciting.Your profile drew me in and captivated me. Mine seems so barren compared to yours. I'm looking for a man who wants to take the time to get to know me

- I actually shudder at the word "lover." In my head I always read it in some weird foreign accent like "Luuuvvaaaa." Secondly, you have just referred to me as "looking for a MAN who wants to take the time to get to know me," Hey, I am cool with the fact that I kinda have an androgynous look about me, but get it straight. Third, What the fuck kind of opening line is this? You wrote this with with one hand didn't you, while unzipping your pants with the other one. Eww. Oh and your punctuation is shit!

I am ready willing and able to venture forth on a journey that will leave the past behind while preserving the best memories and forgiving the ones that were hurtful and usually unintentional. I live life one day, one hour, one moment at a time. I want and need the healing power of love physically emotionally and spiritually. I live as if time were on fire and I believe that every day of the right relationship should be treated like the first day of our honeymoon. I want to share what I have with one special man who will appreciate that I have a deep capacity to love that needs to be filled and fulfilled. We can't keep it unless we give it away.

- There is not, nor ever be when I want to live as if time were on "fire," what fun is that? Always dodging the backdraft, throwing those little roll-up ladders out windows, not to mention having to "stop, drop and roll" every five minutes or so as not to be burned alive! The first day of one's honeymoon is generally spent traveling to some exotic destination, lame. Oh and stop referring to me as a "man!"

I am writing these thoughts as the flow into my head and my sense is that they are coming directly from my heart. I'm feeling very peaceful now and this seems like the appropriate place to stop. I currently serve in the army but I'll be retiring in the next 2 months .

-Ummm, yeah. I'm thinking that the reason that you are "feeling very peaceful now and this seems like the appropriate place to stop," is because you've just shot off a load onto my online pictures, after typing with your less dominate hand (which would explain the typos and random sentence about retiring from the Army soon) and are about to roll over an fall asleep.

If for some reason we happen not to be right for each other, I wish you the best in your search. I wish you continued passion and an exciting lover to keep your fires burning. I appreciate and admire your intensity.

Hope to hear from you soon.

XXXX

- "If for some reason we happen not to be right for each other." Fella, there are more than one, but I ain't got all day for explanations luuuuvvvaa! You should probably squelch your own burning fires by taking yourself to the local free clinic for a chlamydia check!

Don't hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely, 
Kara.

Step Right Up You're the Next Contestant in This Sweet Charade...

Writing, for as long as I can remember, has always been something very cathartic for me, it calms me, lets me put things into perspective, pick apart things and move ahead. That being said, why the hell haven't I done it in over a year?

This blog in particular is touchy, it reached an oogy point for me last year where I thought that perhaps I was sending out nothing but bad karma into the world and in return, nothing good would come my way.

I mean, I'd like to think that I'm a good person, who deserves good things, but you get what you give, right? If I am writing a blog with the sole reason of "making fun" of the online dating world, do I really deserve to be happy for not giving it a fair shot? Will I die a creepy old spinster cat lady?

Who freaking knows, but today I'm going to write, damn the consequences, because I need some purgative, humorous bullshit to get me through. You see, I got the shaft today from someone that I was beginning to like very much. He was kinda, sorta just like me with facial hair and cute checkered boy shirts.

I knew all of the rules up front. He wasn't ready for a commitment, the ball was left in my court and I chose to play through. I'm a big girl, I knew what I was getting into. I accepted knowing that if I could deal with the "What's the worst thing that could happen" scenario, that I'd go all in.

You see, I take my advice from movie characters and just like Danny Ocean said, "You're either in or your out, right now."

Bam, I'm in!

I'm not sure that it was truly a break up per se, since we were just "dating" after all, but it was indeed a let down. Perhaps actually one of the saddest, yet inimitable that I have encountered in my life's work of dating. He didn't do anything wrong, He didn't hurt me intentionally. He was gentle and kind, took the time to give it some closure without leading me on further. I guess this is growing up, but it never gets any easier to take.

He said I "was the coolest girl he'd ever met." Followed of course by a big "but..."

There wasn't the "spark" that he needed to take it to the next level, the was "something missing" in his feelings towards me. A classic case of "it's not you, it's me, blah, blah, blah..."

It still felt like taking a bullet, even though I saw it coming five days ago. I felt him pulling back, kind of putting me in my place through his responses. I saw that our hours of texting and emailing were dwindling. Suddenly he was "too exhausted from a long day" and couldn't chat until 1:00 am like we did for nights on end or "rushing to get to a meeting" in the morning, when once again, we would chat after I got off my night shift. Yeah, I saw this shit coming, the fucking writing on the wall, perhaps even before he did. I think it's called "a women's intuition." That shit is for real, like a god dammed sixth sense. We woman are like soothsayers when it comes to that kind of clairvoyance.

I was making a mixed CD in the middle of the night, long before the dreaded "break up" took place and now to go back and listen to it after the fact is downright spooky. I subconsciously chose songs that foreshadowed the events of what was to come during the disassembling of what we had tried to build over the last four weeks. It's weird, it is like I chose the music in advance that would be playing in the background during our final curtain call.

Seriously, what the fuck though? How can I be the "coolest girl" that someone has ever met, but still not cool enough, or sexy enough, or smart enough, or just whatever. My thoughts on what we had going on versus his own feelings towards "us" got all kinds of mad lost in translation and I was the one left with the broken heart.

Sigh. What can you do? I can only be me myself and if the other person isn't down with that or just not attracted to me on some physical, emotional level, then what is the point of trying to force it to work?

Granted, I still feel burned that he only gave me a such a small amount of time to make such a judgement on where this was or wasn't headed, there is so much more beyond the surface, that quite frankly is his loss for not getting to know. I suspect that he met someone else in the dating world that better suited his needs. Maybe I can't really blame him. I mean, who can stand being around a loud mouth, always on the go, sarcastic prick like me? That's quite a handful to put up with, even for the strongest of men.

I'm not going to bad mouth him at all though, I have much respect for him and he is one of the coolest people that I have ever met. I am hoping that we can build a friendship out of the foundation that began to get us here in the first place. He is one of the easiest people to talk and laugh with.

Who knows, maybe I put too much out there too soon, I might never know. Maybe he recognized all of my quirky little flaws and decided they weren't worth it to him to deal with.
The truth is I don't really know, I am just going to have to accept it for what it is and move on. Everyone deserves their own happiness and if I am the one who is not making him happy, then he have every right to go find someone who can.

He is a genuinely great guy and yeah, I admit it, I thought this was going to be all super delicious and stuff.  After all I am a girl, we hope and dream, and plan, it's what we do! It was astonishing to me how we had SO much in common and could talk/text/email for hours about anything and everything. I hope for the best, but had been bracing myself for the very moment he asked if we could talk this morning.

We were unable to talk face to face, because we live about 90 minutes from one another, but we did talk "face time to face time," oh technology, I guess that's the way of getting it done in this day and age, beats getting a text I suppose. My eyes welled up with tears before I could even pick up the phone. I really hate the girlie girl squishy center of my hard candy exterior.

I wish him nothing but the best and do hope that we can eventually reach a level where we can be BFFs! Even though at the moment I've got noting left in side of my chest, I'm going to be alright eventually.  He is truly one of the good ones. That is what makes it almost worse. If he had been a true prick, today would have been a brighter day for sure. Yeah, I'd be angry at the bad behavior, but at least I'd have a reason to hate him and want him out of my life, but there was no concrete information given, so I'm still a little in the weeds I guess. A little sad, a tad bit annoyed, a smidgen of fury, and a whole lot of disappointment.

I honestly thought that this was gonna be great, our personalities seemed to mesh so incredibly well and complement each other's, we literally could openly talk about anything thrown out on the table. Hell, I'm just waxing poetic now about the "what ifs," because I'm a girl, and again it's what we do, it's in the blood.

Maybe I rushed to emotion too soon. Maybe my sarcasm was too much. Maybe I laid too low and didn't say what I needed to say, when I needed to say it. Maybe it was my aversion, versus his love of all seafood was the worst turnoff ever.  I dunno.

So much for the afterglow...

Now prepare yourselves, instant karma's gonna get me, because the next installment of this blog entry is going to be just as ridiculously out of control as it was last year around this time. I've got some real doozies just sitting in online dating site inboxes to share!

Let the next chapter begin, I'm back in the saddle!